Promise me, we'll be alright
by just-an-artist-pl
Summary: Inspired by Mumford & Sons :) Kurt and Blaine were together for 3 years. They moved together to New York but then, they broke up. 7 years later Blaine remembers Kurt, remembers how perfect they were. But he forgot why they broke up or how they even lost contact. Until Kurt comes back to New York.
1. Seven Years

Chapter 1. Seven Years

Sometimes you meet someone in your life and you really believe, this is forever. We'll be a part of each others life forever, we'll grow old together, go through good and bad times and remember them together. And later when you graduate with this person and start a new life, get a job, go to college and maybe even get married one day, this person will be always there. And then we'll watch our children grow up, doing the same mistakes we did, get to know all these wonderful and bad things this world holds for us. You'll share everything with this person. And this person can be a friend or a partner.

Sometimes you really believe it could be forever like this, because there is no reason to have any doubts. But life isn't black and white and life don't always goes the way you want it to be. Sometimes life throws things at you, suddenly, and you have to decide quickly what is the right thing to do, to say and sometimes you do the wrong thing and lose, what you thought would be forever.

Seven years ago, Blaine Anderson made this experience and he doesn't want to lie, it hurt badly to lose someone so close, so important. But it was senseless to move on together although there was never a sign of separation. He was seventeen when he met him and what do you know about life when you are seventeen? Not much but you think you do. However, he thought and put the glass down which he was cleaning and looked up into the small music bar he was working at. Strange how his life brought him here but he was happy. Well, so happy, that he didn't walk around with a sad smile on his face. Actually he could smile, but now, listening to the music coming out from the speakers he had a sad smile on his face.

_Where are you now?  
Where are you now?  
Do you ever think of me  
In the quiet, in the crowd? _

There was no reason to be sad, because those three years they shared together were really beautiful and everything he thought he would never get. He was loved, he found a home and he found someone who supported him and someone he could support. They both found someone who changed them into good, while their life was pure chaos, pain and made no sense at all. But it changed when they met, when they began to talk and especially, when they both stopped the other one from doing silly and bad things. They became mature together, changed into better people and then they grew apart. Blaine couldn't remember if it was his fault that this happened or Kurt's fault.

_Kurt…_

He took a deep, shaky breath. It's been years since the last time he thought about him, when he memorized his name. And only thinking about his name did things to him he hadn't felt for a long time. His heart was beating fast, his mind echoing Kurt's name over and over and only Santana's hand dragged him back to reality.

"What is wrong Hobbit?"

"Uhm, nothing I was just focusing on the music."

"Well hurry up and stop dreaming. You can do that later," was all Santana said and walked back to the round tables and began to clean the surface. It was a small place but it was nice here and Blaine really enjoyed to play on this little stage or working behind the bar. Just a part time job.

As soon as he cleaned all the glasses he took the broom and helped Santana to sweep the floor, while all chairs were on the round tables so they had easier access. But he couldn't focus on his work. Not with the music in the background and so he askd her something, he never asked anybody in the past years. And everybody was avoiding to talk about _that_ when Blaine was around.

"Did you hear something from Kurt?"

Santana stopped what she was doing, Blaine only swallowed the bitter taste down and she turned around to face Blaine with raised eyebrows, while he was chewing on his bottom lip, unsure.

"After, let me think… seven years you finally ask?"

"Just… answer my question, okay?" He was not ready to discuss why he was asking this now. Why so late, why so suddenly although his life was already planned. Maybe he should have been quiet because it wouldn't change anything.

She sighed after some seconds and pushed the table to the wall while she took a hold of her broom again: "The last time I talked with him was a month ago. He said things were fine. That's all I know."

"Okay… thanks," and more Blaine didn't want to know. Kurt was fine, he was alive and that was everything he needed to know.

"Do you have some troubles in your private life?"

"No. It's okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah."

But it wasn't. Not really.

On his way to his favorite coffee shop he took out his phone and chose the song he was listening, while they cleaned the bar. After all these years Blaine never deleted the play list he used to hear with Kurt, actually he added some songs after they broke up and heard the same songs for two months. Oh yes, he was living in a black hole after they broke up and Kurt left him.

_It came to the end it seems you had heard.  
Cause we walked the city streets,  
You never said a word. _

He forgot why they broke up but it made sense as it happened. They had no real fight, they just went different paths while living together, here, in New York. Although they were walking the streets together, although they seemed to be happy, somehow all this happiness faded and they grew apart. And it was Blaine who noticed this and it was Kurt who spoke it out loud.

_We are not okay…_

No they weren't and they both didn't understand why it changed that way. They were walking together while everything was already broken, but no one said a word. Not Blaine nor Kurt. Probably they both thought it would pass by, this bad time, this time when they both lived for themselves and not together.

_When we finally sat down _

_Your eyes were full of spite. _

_I was desperate, I was weak, _

_I could not put up a fight. _

They wanted to be together, they really wanted to but it wasn't meant to be. Blaine was desperate at that time, Kurt was angry, until they both were angry and avoided each other. He was too weak to fight with Kurt about something he didn't understand where it came from. But he saw it in Kurt's eyes, he saw it in his own eyes. At some point, although everything began like a fairytale, although they really loved each other their love wasn't enough and all he saw was sadness in their eyes. They weren't happy anymore. He looked up the blue sky, the spring sun shining down on his face and giving him the warmth he was longing for. All these memories coming back made him cold. All these memories when he was twenty years old and still a silly, young boy who wanted to be with the boy who saved him. Maybe, now, he was able to understand why it all went that way it was now. He was 27 years old, he had a job, he was living his dream and he made a lot of experiences. He was more mature. And maybe it was enough now. Maybe he changed enough to finally understand why they broke up.

_Where are you now?_

_Where are you now? _

_Do you ever think of me _

_In the quiet, in the crowd?_

Would it change anything? Would it make his life better even if he figured out why they lost contact? Why Kurt was no longer a part of his life? Probably not. He didn't know where Kurt was or what he was doing. He didn't know if he had a family now, or if he was married or anything. Blaine knew nothing and it hurt. How could Kurt, who was once the most important person in his life become a vague memory? Would he even notice him when he was passing him by? Here on the streets between all those faces? Probably not and this hurt even more. He asked himself if Kurt ever thought about him in the past years. If he asked how he was doing, where he was and if he found out why they are no longer Kurt and Blaine together.

_Maybe not._

Blaine crossed the street, opened the door to this old coffee shop and his eyes were looking for Tina. And there she was sitting at their usual table next to the window with two mugs of coffee.

"Hey," he smiled and kissed her cheek.

"Hi," she smiled back: "I've already payed for the coffee. It was my turn anyway."

"Thanks, Tina. So tell me, did anyone called you?"

Tina was working for an art gallery and since Blaine was a painter and already sold some of his works he let her organize everything. Thanks to her he was able to sell his first painting and it was his first painting since he lived in New York. Central Park at fall and he earned a lot of money for it. Sadly Kurt wasn't there anymore as Blaine finally found some ground as an artist.

"There were some people calling me. A couple who wants you to paint a picture of them after their wedding. They loved your Central Park painting. But instead of fall they want a 'Central Park at spring'. And an old lady called me if you could draw her cats."

Blaine laughed and nodded slowly. His paintings were not only places, like the beach or parks. What really hit him where those wonderful moments in life captured on canvas. Weddings, birthdays, the first child, all those things and he was happy that people loved his paintings and asked for his service. No, he wasn't famous but he earned enough money to live without worrying about that. One thing he never had to think about, but money didn't make him happy it only helped him to survive, to have a place to live, that's all.

"Here is the phone number of the couple," she handed him a small card: "And here is the one of the old lady. Just call them and check your schedule. And then Mr. Timson asked me about his painting. The one for his daughter and her new born."

"Almost done. Give me two weeks and I'll be done with it," he said and took a sip of his coffee. It was a really lovely painting he was working at. A beautiful young mother, hours later her baby was born and both were smiling, so sweetly, so innocent and happy. He really loved it and sometimes it did things to him, he wasn't ready to admit. Sure, he wanted family too, he wanted to be a father and with 27 it was almost time for that. He had money, he had a place to live, he had everything a baby needed. But Blaine wasn't ready. His eyes moved down to his phone, the song was still playing but his headphones hung around his neck and he didn't hear the song anymore.

"You look different today. Something happened?" Tina asked while she flipped her hair back.

"I… I was just thinking about Kurt."

"Kurt?" she blurted out and almost slapped her mug off the table. If everyone would react like Santana and Tina did just because he mentioned Kurt, he wasn't sure if he should even talk about it. But otherwise how should he find something out about Kurt? Santana, Tina, Rachel, Finn, they all lived here in New York and they all went together with him and Kurt to school. They saw how their relationship began, they helped them too and they also saw how they broke up. However it was only Blaine who lost touch with Kurt. Only him. Why?

"I was listening to a song and then… it just happened. I don't even have his number or know where he lives. I feel kind of bad that it… became like this."

They weren't only a couple, they weren't only in love, they were also friends. Good friends, best friends and somehow they were nothing but a vague memory.

"Well, I talked to him three weeks ago. He asked me out about some paintings because he was in Paris."

In Paris? Blaine's mouth dropped open and his eyebrows shoot up. Kurt was in Europe? In France? What on earth was he doing in France? Sure, he knew Kurt wanted to become a fashion designer, he knew that and France was probably a good place for this. But… how was it possible that he didn't know that? And why was he feeling more hurt? What the hell happened, that things were like they were?

"He is doing fine, he said he likes it there."

"That's… good."

But it wasn't. Not at all.

_You were strangely less in pain _

_Than you were cold. _

_Triumphant in your mind _

_Of the logic that you hold._

During the next two weeks he finished his painting and tried to remember why they broke up. It wasn't easy because there were so many parts missing. Parts that were important to understand why. It was almost like someone erased some parts of his memory, important parts that made him who he was. All that was clear in his head were Kurt's face, seven years ago. First there was anger, pain, then it faded and both were simply ignorant, both were cold. Kurt's blue eyes never were cold but this day they were. And he said something. He said that they weren't okay and something more. If he could only remember the words. If he could only remember what he said that convinced Blaine to break up with him. What made it so logical to break up with the person, he used to call the love of his life? Whatever it was, it made sense seven years ago. It made sense to his 20 year-old-self. But he wasn't 20 anymore.

_You said no one would ever know _

_The love that we had shared. _

_As I took my leave to go _

_It was clear that you didn't care._

He remembered Kurt's dad who was a really nice person and helped Blaine too. He helped him to handle the struggles he had with his parents. He helped him to feel like he belonged somewhere without asking for anything. And Kurt gave him the love he thought wasn't there, and Blaine gave him the same love back. They were planning things, they were planning their life in New York, they even talked about getting married and adopt a child as soon as they finished college and got jobs. They were ready, so ready but when Blaine wanted to go and Kurt too, they both didn't care. They let each other go, simply, without any goodbye, without any tears. Those came later. How could a love, they both shared, a love that was so deep they had no words to describe it but only breath it in and share it with kisses, with hugs, with sex, turn into pure ignorance?

Blaine didn't understand and it bothered him.

_Where are you now? _

_Where are you now? _

_Do you ever think of me _

_In the quiet, in the crowd?_

It was almost the middle of April (a month later when he began to think about Kurt again) that he nearly gave it up. He asked Rachel if she knew something, but she didn't want to share it. Not because she didn't grant it Blaine, but because she wasn't sure if Kurt would agree with that. And Blaine said that it was fine, that he understood that although it hurt. She only told him that Kurt wasn't living in Paris anymore and it made things worse. So much worse. First he thought Kurt was just too many miles away, a whole ocean away from him which made hurt more when he remembered that he didn't waste any thought about Kurt in the past years. And now knowing that he had no clue where he was made it worse. That's why he gave up asking himself where he was, if Kurt was thinking about him. It was over, it was done. Kurt didn't want Blaine back in his life.

But it wasn't like that. To his surprise.

It was a usual day at work. Blaine was standing behind the bar and waiting for the students, for the older men, for any customer but they wouldn't come before 7p.m. That's why he was really surprised as Finn came, a big smile on his face and sat down at the counter.

"Hey Blaine."

"Hey," Blaine smiled: "It's been a while, Finn. How are you doing?"

"Fine, I guess. I mean, you know high school students can be pretty tough, but teaching is fun."

Nodding Blaine took a glass out of the cabinet: "beer?"

"Yes, please."

He filled the glass up, feeling Finn's eyes on him and he wasn't sure what this supposed to mean. It's not like they were strangers or didn't saw each other often. Frankly they had their high school meeting every last Saturday of the month and laughed about their work, about their children, about the things they experienced. It was nice, it was always nice, but he had to admit, there was always something missing. And Blaine missed a lot in his life. Not only since he began to think about Kurt again, no, even before that. He already thought, he was happy, yes, but he wasn't 'happy'.

"Do I have something on my face or why do you stare at me like that?"

Finn laughed quietly, took the beer from Blaine and shook his head.

"No dude. I just think you should know something. Because I doubt someone will tell you this."

"Okay?" His curiosity was written all over his face. Did Finn and Rachel expect another child? Or something about Puck?

"Kurt is coming back."

"Back?"

"To New York, for good."

There were no words, no clear thought, just a feeling hitting him cold and making him numb. Kurt was coming back, back to New York, back were they started a new life and broke up. Back here were Blaine was living. Back here were they could meet each other. Back…

"Oh…" was all he managed to say.

_And I hear of your coming _

_and your going in the town. _

_I hear stories of your smile, _

_I hear stories of your frown._

"He… didn't say anything about you in particular. But he said he wanted to see all his old friends. It's been seven years for many of us too since the last time we saw Kurt."

Yeah, that was true. Finn saw him from time to time because his mom and Kurt's dad were married, but all the others only had some Skype conversations or phone calls with Kurt. He left New York after they broke up and Blaine moved out from their apartment because there were too many memories.

"That includes you, Blaine. And I thought I tell you this. I mean you two were together for three years and I don't know why you broke up, but I think it's fair to tell you this."

"Yeah, thanks Finn," he said a bit breathless and tried to smile.

"Anybody else doesn't know a thing. He wants to surprise them."

Blaine nodded, fumbling with his fingers and stared at them for some seconds, until he found the courage to speak again while Finn enjoyed his beer.

"How is he doing?"

"Good, he said. You know he doesn't tell me that much, but he said he is happy to come back."

"That's good."

"Can I ask you something? Because I know, Kurt won't tell me why."

"Yeah… sure."

"Why did you two broke up anyway? I mean you were basically soul mates."

"I… I honestly don't know. I can't remember why."

_And the darkness can descend, _

_We can relish all the pain. _

_But I know that's what you love, _

_Cause you know I love the same._

Finn was right, Blaine thought the other day. Kurt was his soul mate, they loved the same things, not everything but a lot. And they both took the pain away the other one was living in. Blaine the troublesome guy who didn't know what to do with his life, Kurt the boy who always needed to fight with others, who always wanted to be the one who was right. Both were always in trouble, it was like they had a secret magnet for this. And as they both thought, that was it, their life would never turn out good, they found each other. They began to share what they loved, began to do what they loved and fell in love with each other. They loved how the other one was their anchor, how the other one simply knew what to say and what to do. Soul mates, many people said, but both never really talked about how much they felt for each other. There were no words needed, people saw it. And then a new darkness came.

_How?_

It was Saturday morning when Blaine sat on his bicycle and had his basked filled with apples, grapes and other fruits. There was this market with fresh fruits outside and he really enjoyed being there and the fruits were delicious. Tonight should be a special night, he promised himself. That's why he stood up early and bought what he needed. Kurt wasn't back yet, or so he knew, because Finn said he would call him as soon as he was back in New York and for now Blaine wasn't worried to meet Kurt accidentally on the streets or in a cafe or wherever. No, asking himself why and how was pointless and maybe, when Kurt was back, he could talk with him, maybe they would become friends again. Maybe not. But for now he tried to not think about it. He pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket, no new messages, nothing, just the song he loved to hear by now.

_Where are you now? _

_Where are you now? _

_Do you ever think of me _

_In the quiet, in the crowd?_

That's why he didn't hear the engine of the light orange moped. That's why he didn't hear the horn only as he looked up and saw how the other person almost lost control over the vehicle, how the person lost control as he drover over something big and fell over, Blaine jumped of his bicycle and caught the person, falling down but holding him – it was a man – close while the apples roll over the street, the moped fell to his side and went quiet and his bicycle made this 'clak-clak' sound while the wheel was turning. He waited, holding the body close, feeling the hands on grabbing his jacket while they laid on the street and then, as everything was silent, as no sound but his heart and their breathing found place in his head, he opened his eyes.

"You.. okay? I'm sorry, I was distracted."

Well, what did people always say about phones and driving? It surely didn't include only cars. He loosened his grip around the body, starring at his reflection on the black material of the helmet which hid the face.

"Blaine?" A muffled sound, the other person leaned abruptly back so that there was enough space to take the helmet off and as the stranger just did that Blaine stopped breathing. Blue/green eyes, clear, piercing, were staring at him. Blue familiar eyes, brown, perfectly styled hair, pink lips, pale skin, and those cheekbones he knew too good because he was used to kiss them for hours.

"Kurt…" he stuttered.

_Where are you now? _

_Where are you now? _

_Do you ever think of me _

_In the quiet, in the crowd?_


	2. Confusion

Chapter 2. Confusion

Life was a strange thing. You were caught in the moment of your life, focusing on your work, your friends or whatever you were doing at this moment. You didn't think about anything else because your mind was busy with different things. But then, the moment you are alone your mind went places you usually avoid. You begin to think about your past, the people you knew and know, the things you wanted to do and think about two things. My life is fine as it is now, or, maybe I should try this and that. You were 'fine' or you began to regret.

Regret was part of life. Regretting that you didn't ask the girl or boy to go out with you. Regretting that you didn't start to study art instead you studied law. Regretting that you couldn't stop a person from going although it was probably better back then. But then you end up telling yourself, I don't want to regret anything I did.

Life was a strange thing. The moment you think things won't change, things will be like they are now something or someone happens and your world turns upside down.

And Blaine's world was literally spinning as he helped Kurt on his feet. There he was, beautiful as always, not looking much older than 7 years ago, but clearly no more like the teenager he once was. There was so much running through his bones, so many feelings, so many memories filled his mind that he actually needed to take a deep breath otherwise he would just suffocate. What should he do? What should he say? What was the right thing to do when you meet your ex boyfriend after seven years not hearing anything from him? And Blaine did maybe the silliest thing ever. He turned around, picked up his bicycle kicking the kickstand so that it wouldn't fall and collected the fruits from the street. He wasn't really thinking anything, he just wanted to pick the mess up and then... then he would see what to do, right?

"Let me help you," Kurt said and walked pass Blaine to pick the other fruits up which Blaine couldn't hold alone because his arms were already caring too much.

"Thanks," he mumbled, went back to his bicycle and placed the apples and grapes back into the basket. Kurt did the same and they shared one short look, making them both tense and then he went to his moped and Blaine followed him to help Kurt to pick it up from the street.

"Does it work?" Blaine asked unsure.

"Yeah," the other boy answered and left his helmet on the driver seat: "Nothing happened. Well, except that... I met you."

"Yeah... yeah," he breathed, his eyes on his feet until he looked up and both were just staring at each other. Why was it so hard? Why did it feel so awkward? And why did he feel like a teenager although they both were 27 years old? He was able to sign contracts and to understand them, he was able to talk and laugh with strangers about trivial stuff, he was able to sing right in front of a crowd in a bar. But he wasn't able to talk to his ex boyfriend, to the person he knew for so long and knew so much about.

One last look to Kurt and then he couldn't hold it any longer. A small smile stretched on his lips, then his tense body calmed down and slowly both began to laugh. The laughed quietly, the laughed all the tension off their body and like a shy little boy, like someone who still couldn't believe what actually happened, he pressed his hand against his forehead and grinned at Kurt.

"Some adults we are."

"Yeah, well, some people never grow up," Kurt smiled and it felt good to see him like this. There were old memories of Kurt's smile in Blaine's head. Like the smiles he gave him each morning they woke up, or the smiles when he was acting silly and childish, or the ones when they said they loved each other. Oh yes, the I-love-you-smile was always his favorite one.

"It's good... to see you," Blaine said.

"Yeah... you too. I... I actually wanted to surprise everybody this weekend. Well, now you know it and Finn."

"I won't say a thing," Blaine assured him with a smile: "To be honest... I knew you were coming back. Finn told me about it."

Kurt rolled his eyes with a deep sigh which caused Blaine to chuckle: "Don't worry. He only told me about it to... to avoid any awkward meeting between our friends."

"Oh," he avoided Blaine's eyes and nodded to himself: "Well... this already happened."

It was awkward, really. After seven years meeting the person you once loved like this? This was like in a bad movie.

"I'm... kind of in a hurry but we can meet later? I mean, if you want to, because I want to... it's been.. a while."

"Sure... yes. Just give me your number and I'll call you later? I'm still moving in but later I'll find some time to go out," Kurt smiled weakly and handed Blaine his phone. he looked at his background picture and somehow his heart felt lighter. There was no couple picture or anything, just the view on New York. Blaine typed his number in, gave him his phone back and smiled.

"You'll be fine?" he tilt his head to Kurt's moped.

"Of course."

* * *

What did you do when the person you once loved came back and did things to you, you thought were gone for good? Why did it feel so good holding him and feeling the familiar weight of his body in your arms? Why did all those feelings come back? Was it even real what Blaine felt as he sat in his kitchen and washed the fruits. After they broke up Blaine was lost. He remembered that time clearly. His heard felt cold and his soul empty because he couldn't understand how they both could be so callous. Kurt just packed his stuff and left him without any other word, without telling him where he was going, he just went and it felt like someone cut him down. Blaming Kurt for that was not right because it was also his fault that they broke up. Both were not fighting for their relationship, both were just eating all the frustration and, if his mind wasn't lying, they were even fighting. Blaine didn't like to fight and neither Kurt. But they were and broke up. After that he remembered how he still believed Kurt would just come back, say how sorry he was about their stupid fight and work everything out. However, this never happened. Days went by, weeks and Blaine felt like a coward because he was just sitting there, waiting, doing nothing. What should he do? At that time he thought Kurt really didn't want any contact with him so he gave him the space he thought, Kurt needed. And Blaine kept on being a coward. He didn't talk about Kurt in front of anybody, he hid everything that remembered him of Kurt and moved on.

"That's great!" he heard a voice from the living room cheering and it shook him out of his thoughts that two apples slipped out of his hands.

With a huff he bent down, picked them up and washed them again.

"No, of course! Dude, it's been a while, I need to see you! Okay, see ya later, bye!"

Blaine smiled to himself, wiping his hands dry in a towel next to the sink and heard the fast steps of his boyfriend until he saw him, smirking at Blaine and walking up to him.

"Guess what, sweetheart!" he wrapped his arms around Blaine, kissed his neck and then leaned against the counter his hands pulling out the phone of his pocket.

Jason was 29 years old, brown to the ears long hair and dark blue eyes. He was taller than Blaine and always wearing something in street style or casual and shaved his face only so far that there were still stubbles left.

"I have a meeting with someone from Vogue. An old friend of mine is back there working and he wants me for the upcoming photo shoots."

"Aren't you busy enough, Jason?"

"Not really. Tomorrow I'll be taking the photos for a wedding and then three days for Calvin Klein. After that I'm not really busy with any other jobs."

"And when do you meet him?"

"This evening."

Blaine turned around, looking at Jason with disapproval.

"You forgot it, right?"

Jason moved his eyes away from his phone and looked at Blaine, eyebrows raised and then he looked behind him, seeing the clean fruits and his face showed Blaine that he remembered what was actually planned this evening.

"Oh shit. Sweetheart, sorry. It's not like I forgot it... "

"It's fine. I get it," Blaine grumbled and opened the cupboard to pick out a white huge bowl. This became a habit in their relationship. Not that Jason didn't care about Blaine but he was always so focused on his work that he forgot so many things they had planned to do together, that after three months he gave up complaining and explaining why it bothered him so much. Maybe this was a usual thing after being together for three years, that at some point they moved apart because of work and after a while they would be closer again. But when? It's been three months like this.

"Blaine, I really did not forget it. But this is really important to me," Jason explained himself and kissed Blaine's temple: "And a bit more money won't hurt. It's not like a wedding doesn't cost anything. And you want our wedding to be epic, right?"

"I didn't say yes, Jason. I said I want to think about it."

They were silent for a while, Jason looking at Blaine and Blaine placing the fruits into the bowl, not smiling, not showing any emotion. He was tired, just so tired. It's been three months like that and yes, they both were busy but whenever they decided to do something actually together – like watching a movie or eating together or just cuddle together – it was always Jason who found an excuse to not do those things. Hell Blaine wouldn't even be mad at him when they would just watch a movie and Jason would – like always – fall asleep and Blaine ended up watching alone. He was fine with that as long as he could be close to him and just feel someone holding him and showing him, that he was loved.

"Are you unhappy, Blaine?"

"No... I'm just tired. I miss you." But he was unhappy. Being with Jason didn't feel like being loved. It felt more like they were used to this, to be together.

"I'm really sorry, sweetheart. But I meant it when I asked you to marry me and I really try, Blaine. But I do this for us and I do this, because I love you."

"I know," Blaine breathed and felt Jason's lips on his cheek before he left the kitchen.

This proposal was also a thing that bothered Blaine a lot. Jason proposed to him while they were moving apart and he wasn't sure if he did it because Jason noticed how slowly but surely they lost each other, or because he really wanted to marry Blaine. It was no secret that people made decisions in their life out of desperation. Sometimes those decisions turned out into something good and sometimes they were the first stone to pave the way for their own unhappiness. Therefore Blaine wasn't sure what kind of decision this was.

* * *

There was always this moment in someones life, when you needed to take three steps back just to move forward. Meeting Kurt was one of those moments. He wasn't thinking about the break up but what happened after that. As he stopped being a coward and feeling sorry for himself he focused on his work and studies and went on the New York city streets to show his paintings. At the evening he was playing in the bar which Santana opened a year after he and Kurt broke up. At that time Blaine had to decide if he wanted to be a painter or a musician and he with some luck and hard work he sold his first picture and got more and more people who wanted a picture, painted by him. The music became a hobby and a part time job at Santana's bar. The nights when he didn't play he was working in the bar as a waiter. Even without Kurt he found a life where he was actually happy and distracted him from the thoughts about Kurt. Maybe that was the reason why he simply forgot about him and never even tried to find him. No, Blaine never wanted to forget him it just happened. All his attention belonged to his paintings and the people he made happy with those. Tina became his manager and helped him a lot so when he turned twenty four he had his first own art exhibition. Many people came to see his pictures, his aunt even came from Ohio to see them and it was really one of the most amazing days in his life. So many people were charmed, so many people praised him and he really hoped that this would happen. Not the praise but that people actually saw what he was painting. Couples, weddings, babies with their parents, people in parks, on the streets, important things in life, beautiful things in life captured in one moment with colors so close to their real beauty. He especially liked those pics in the park, between trees and flowers in the summer, or the fall scenery. He loved to draw people and moments in which they were happy.

And all this was only able because he met Kurt and actually found the best example to draw something. Their life and later, as it was only Blaine, the life from other people.

Blaine jumped off his sofa and looked around the huge living room, to hear his phone ringing at the window, laying on the window bench. He stood up, saw the unknown number and knew, this could only be Kurt. He gulped, breathed in and then accepted the call.

"Hello?"

"_Blaine? It's me..."_

"H... hi."

Again, awkward silent and he smiled to himself. Jesus, they were really like teenagers, not knowing what to do or to say although it was easy. He could have asked him, hey how are, where have you been, what have you done in those past seven years? It was so easy to ask something, to actually say anything, but he couldn't.

"_so... meeting?"_

"Um, yeah... maybe there is a small park near my apartment? I still have the fruits from the morning plans have changed."

"_Okay, sure. I'll bring the coffee? You still drink coffee, right? With caramel?"_

Those words warmed up his heart and he couldn't help but smile, feeling his eyes stinging. Not because he hoped that Kurt would remember anything, but because he actually remembered such a little thing and showed him, no matter what had happened in those years, they still care about the other in some way.

"Yeah, I still drink it that way."

"_Good,"_ he heard Kurt's voice and the slight sound of a smile: _"Send me your address and I'll be there in... two hours? Is that okay?"_

"Great."

* * *

There were things in life, labeled by the society. Like having a picnic with a friend of yours could only mean that you have to be a couple, at least most of the people would assume that. Or if you are gay that each guy next to you must be they guy you are together with or you both are fucking with each other. Society was a bitch sometimes and made life even harder as it already was. And even if we don't want to be influenced by their opinion, we are at some point. We think about what might others think about us if we do this and that. What might happen? What would they say? And then we decide to not do something although we really wanted to because we don't want to earn some strange looks or whispers.

For Blaine, however, it was no big deal to go to the park and have a picnic with Kurt. This was something they'd done all the time when they were together and even before as friends. They walked together to the small quiet park and chose a place under a tree where Blaine placed the dark red blanket and his basket with the fruits. He tried to look calm but his insides were spinning. They weren't dressed special or anything extraordinary, just casual clothes because this was two old friends meeting each other after seven years. Well, he tried to tell this himself.

"So, when did you come back?" he asked as they both sat down while the sun slowly went down.

"Yesterday around midday. I was in Paris, working."

"Working as?"

"Fashion designer. Well, still as an assistant but I hope I won't be an assistant anymore in the next months."

Blaine smiled, picking a small bowl with strawberries out of the basket and heard Kurt chuckling.

"What?" he asked while he picked three peaches and gave them Kurt.

"You still love strawberries?"

"What? Just because I'm an old man doesn't mean I can't enjoy strawberries," he smirked and watched Kurt as he took the peaches: "And you still like peaches, huh?"

"Guilty," he answered and gave Blaine his cup of coffee.

"So, you are there were you wanted to be? I remember you wanted to become an actor?"

"That's true but after..." he gave Blaine an insecure look and said: "I moved out I changed my studies to fashion and I really liked it. After that I began to work for Vogue and traveled around with my boss. She is pretty awesome and very lovely. She helps me a lot, although most of the time I help her more than she actually helps me."

Hearing his familiar voice, hearing that he was doing fine calmed Blaine down and made the guilt he felt for so long, because he wasn't running after Kurt and making sure he was okay grew smaller. Maybe it was better that they broke up so they both could focus on something else instead on their broken relationship. Sometimes things needed to be broken to start something new, something better with the person you once loved or without.

"What about you? Musician or painter? Or something else?"

"Mainly painter. Music is more a part time job. Santana has her own bar and sometimes I work there as a waiter or musician. But mainly I'm an painter and not just trying, I actually had my success and now I just get the jobs and each year I have my own small art exhibition."

Kurt smiled with warm eyes and for a while they just ate in silence until Blaine remembered what Tina said to him some weeks ago.

"Tina told me you were in Paris?"

He swallowed the sip he took from his coffee and nodded slowly: "Yeah, for some months, working. It was pretty amazing there and I could actually use my french. Well it wasn't that good but it was enough. And now we are back here."

"We?"

Somehow a bad taste filled his mouth and Blaine saw Kurt slowly nodding and finishing the peach he was eating.

"Me and my boyfriend. Well, fiance. We've been together for two years now. We met at college and then later at Vogue again and yeah, since then we are together."

Sometimes you don't know that you hoped for something until you notice how this hope breaks and this was such a moment for Blaine. He was hoping for something and this hope broke as he heard that Kurt was engaged and as he looked to his hand he saw the ring. Silver, expensive and making it even more real for Blaine.

"Well, it's about time for us to get married, right? I mean now we can get married and I'm happy for you."

He was and at the same time it hurt for whatever reason. They were not together, they didn't see each other for seven years and Blaine never really thought they would get back together like they used to be. But seeing Kurt, seeing what he left brought everything back and just now he understood what he had lost.

"And you?"

"Me? Oh, no I'm not engaged but I'm together with someone for three years now. He is a bit chaotic and busy but we are fine."

There was no need to tell Kurt that they weren't fine, that he wasn't sure what their future was holding for them because right now it looked bad. But he wanted to work on it. What else could he do? He loved Jason and Jason him, it was not perfect but it was enough and Blaine knew that and Kurt loved someone and someone loved Kurt. Maybe his old feelings confused him and maybe it was the regret that made him wonder, what it would be like to be together with Kurt again. Perhaps he only needed some sleep, get his thoughts and feelings straight because obviously today happened far too much to handle it at once.

"Blaine?" He looked up and Kurt's eyes were wide, unsure: "We... can be friends right?"

"Of course. I mean, it's been seven years we are no teenagers anymore."

"Good, because, you were my best friend despite all the things that had happen and... I'm sorry I didn't call you or anything I was just... so mad. But I really want my friend back."

"No... I mean, of course. I think we both just... screwed things up but we changed, and... I really missed you and I'm sorry too."

Sometimes, no matter how hard you wanted something, you had to accept that you couldn't get exactly that what you wanted. Maybe this little bit, this friendship was the only thing you really needed and nothing more. And Blaine was happy to get this chance and, judging by Kurt's smile he too. Even so... it didn't mean that it didn't hurt.


	3. Not enough

Chapter 3. Not enough

Memories can be tricky, make us happy or sad and sometimes we remember something, but we remember it in a different way. We see this memory, whatever it is a good or bad one different. Which doesn't mean that we lie about the past, not always. It only means that we have changed and so has our view on life in general or specific things. We see things differently. The best way to look on our memories is to learn from them, from the past, from the mistakes we made and to keep on doing the good things we once did and still do.

Blaine was thinking a lot about his past since he and Kurt met again and talked about so many things he forgot. Like Kurt still knew what his favorite coffee was, or his favorite songs. He still knew many of those little things, and so did Blaine. He really thought he had forgotten those things but they came back with full force. Therefore he was actually happy that Jason was busy because most of the time he was painting in his apartment, listening to his and Kurt's playlist and remembering so many things. Even stuff before he met Kurt. But the memories after he and Kurt broke up were the most vivid one.

He stood in his room, in front of a white canvas waiting to be filled with colors. In one hand he held is brush and in the other the palette, with different shades of blue. In the background he was listening to a song, he was hearing for days now. Well exactly he began to hear it after the picnic with Kurt.

_You were cold as the blood through your bones  
And the light which led us from our chosen homes  
Well I was lost _

His eyes looked at his notes he stuck on the easel but his mind didn't catch the words because he was busy with old memories, running through Blaine's had like a movie. He remembered they had a terrible fight – god how could he forget that? - and the next day Kurt was standing in the corridor two suitcases next to him and saying he had enough, he couldn't do this anymore. Without even trying to stop him, without even saying that he actually wanted Kurt to stay here Blaine nodded and back then it was better to let him go, to break up.

Today, however, it was different. Of course he wouldn't ask Kurt now to try it again and this because of many reasons. He loved Jason, Kurt was engaged and happy – his boyfriend took him to Paris, he was with his boyfriend in freaking Paris, the town of love – and Blaine felt something for Kurt, sure, but those weren't the same feelings he had in the past. It was just familiar being with Kurt, with someone who knew you, your past and you could trust easily. It was probably really because he regretted his decision in the past.

_And now I sleep  
Sleep the hours and that I can't weep  
When all I knew was steeped in blackened holes  
I was lost _

The moment he noticed something was wrong between him and Kurt was, when Kurt stopped smiling. Usually he always smiled when he saw Blaine, or about his silliness, when he finished a painting and had some paint on his face or simply because Blaine smiled. One day he just stopped smiling and Blaine wondered what happened. He never asked Kurt that. Then later he felt that Kurt couldn't sleep next to him, so he went to the guestroom from time to time and giving Kurt some space. The day after that it was like always. They shared their good morning kiss in the kitchen, made breakfast together and accompany the other on their way to college even if it meant Blaine or Kurt would spent an hour longer, waiting for their own lecture. But still, something was between them and Blaine couldn't figure out what it was. They were cold to each other, even when they had sex it felt like they only had it to get off, to get some pleasure and that was it. The first weeks he cried himself to sleep, then he accepted it and then they were basically ignoring each other. He felt so lost, he didn't want their relationship to be like that. Because Kurt was and forever would be the love of his life. There were so many things he was grateful for, so many things only Kurt gave him, made him feel but it wasn't enough. So both were only focused on their studies, eating without the other and someday they were just fighting about stupid stuff. They never had big fights and mainly they were all pointless but there was just no way to talk with each other in a normal way. They didn't watch any movies together, never slept in the same bed together and then they had this one big fight which began because Kurt left for a week – later Blaine found out that he was at Finn's place – and he was worried. He was just worried because he had no idea were Kurt was and as he came back they were fighting.

He remembered all the awful things they were saying. He was yelling at Kurt to just go because he obviously couldn't live with someone else together. He called him a stubborn child, always looking for a fight and making him feel like someone who did a crime. He said how immature Kurt was and that he would not only lose Blaine but also his other friends if he kept on being so focused on fighting with each person he met. And he remembered how he said that he was cold, heartless and not understanding Blaine at all. Kurt basically yelled the same back, but also that Blaine was too blind to see what was the problem, that he was more in love with his work, that he spent more time with his paintings and music than with him. It was just stupid stuff they said to each other.

_Keep the earth below my feet  
For all my sweat, my blood runs weak  
Let me learn from where I have been  
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn  
Keep my eyes to serve, my hands to learn _

He sighed and began to paint, a light blue covering the white surface. When Kurt didn't come back it felt like he lost ground, it felt like he was falling into a deep dark hole and he blamed himself for this. Of course it must have been his fault because why would Kurt leave their apartment when everything with that was fine. So obviously it was because of Blaine and he tried to figure it out, he tried to see what he had done wrong. But he couldn't see it. How? He was only twenty years old, he was no teenager but also no adult. How on earth should he know what was the right thing to do, to make Kurt love him again? Because he loved him but he couldn't show it and maybe it was the same with him.

_And I was still  
I was under your spell  
When I was told by Jesus all was well  
So all must be well _

_Just give me time  
You know your desires and mine  
So wrap my flesh in ivy and in twine  
For I must be well _

He learned to deal with it, he moved on but he never forgot the feeling he had when he was with Kurt. He met some guys, he had some guys, he even slept with some guys but he never felt something for them. There was no one like Kurt. No one who knew Blaine as good as Kurt, no one who simply knew by looking at Blaine what he needed, what he was feeling, if he was thinking or simply hiding something. Not till he met Jason. Of course, Jason wasn't Kurt and he didn't see many things Kurt saw but that was okay. It was good, not perfect, not the same but enough. It had to be enough.

* * *

Everyday people need to make decisions, small decisions and sometimes big decisions but no matter if they are small or big, they all have some impact on our life. It starts with do I stay awake until 2 am to watch this episode from your favorite series and take the risk to oversleep, to, do I move to London because this job sounds awesome and I can get in? Each decision has some impact on our life but sometimes we don't feel the need to decide anything but people force us to make a decision or say something that sounds like that. And they do this because they know what is good for us, or, because they don't like something we want to keep in our life. But for you there is no need to give it up, whatever it is. The favorite music band, the painting on your wall, or a friend.

Blaine had to make this experience although he had no idea it would happen that evening.

It was the night Kurt wanted to surprise all his old friends – actually he planned to surprise them the first weekend he came back but they were all busy and Blaine told him each last weekend of a month they met each other in Santana's bar. So Kurt agreed on doing that and of course they all took their significant others with them. Which also meant that Jason was going with Blaine.

As Blaine and Jason went inside he already saw his friends. They were sitting at their usual place, a long table right in the right corner next to the small stage. Sam with Mercedes, Tina and Mike, Santana and Brittany and Rachel and Finn.

"I tell you guys, Finn is acting so weird in the past days. He forgot his notes for his lessons, then he broke our coffee machine and he even forgot to pick up our daughter from school."

Santana rolled her eyes and the others were either grinning because Finn tried not to look guilty or where just amused by Rachel.

"Hey guys," Blaine greeted them as they reached their table and hugged each of them, like Jason did.

"Everything is fine, Rachel. I'm just drowning in work because the final exams are close," Finn tried to explain himself but Blaine knew what was going on so he said nothing and sat down, at the end of the table, his back to the entrance of the bar and Jason next to him. But Rachel didn't give in and tried to find out the truth but then Sam changed the subject and asked how their kids were doing. Sam and Mercedes had a four year old daughter, Tina and Mike an four year old boy and Rachel and Finn had an six year old daughter and a son, almost a year old. It was one of those topics Blaine liked to hear because he really loved kids and sometimes he thought about when he could have some. The only thing was that Jason didn't want any kids. It wasn't like he didn't like them he just didn't want to have some which was another reason why Blaine didn't say yes to his proposal. He wanted to have kids, he wanted to have a family, with someone and driving his son or daughter to school, help them with their homework, show them how to ride a bicycle. All those things but Jason was against kids.

An hour later it was Rachel – she always kept a close look to the door – who opened her mouth and said nothing just kept it open and her eyes went wide. Of course everyone caught her expression and turned to look at the door and there he was, Kurt together with a blond haired guy, a bit taller than Kurt, dark blue eyes and looking really handsome. Blaine knew who it was and somehow he felt strange. Seeing Kurt holding the hand of an other guy, both wearing a silver ring on their right hand was... weird and somehow it hurt.

"It's Kurt!" Rachel exclaimed and suddenly the girls stood up, basically running to him, pulling him into a tight hug and he smiled.

The boys stood up and greeted him too and Blaine only saw hugs, heard them laughing, speaking and he just sat there, watching them and feeling something that told him, yes, this was right, it should be like that.

"Is this the Kurt? Your ex?" Jason asked him and Blaine had totally forgotten about him sitting next to him.

"Yeah," he answered and gave him one quick look just to see that Jason was surprised. Good, because he wasn't here to have any kind of drama. He kept on watching them, seeing Kurt smiling, nodding to some questions, saying something, introducing his fiance – Blaine didn't hear his name but he couldn't care less right now – and just drowning in those warm feelings he felt.

"Holy shit! Hummel, you are engaged?!" Santana threw her hands up and almost pulled her hair.

Again, voices, questions and Finn calmed them down so they went back to their places and as Blaine met Kurt's eyes he stood up and hugged him too. For just one second he forgot Jason, he forgot Kurt's fiance and it felt almost like seven years ago. Just them, with their friends and planning their future.

"Blaine, this is Garrett. Garrett this is Blaine," Kurt introduced them and Blaine tried his best to give him an honest smile and shook his hand. At least he looked nice.

"Hey, Kurt talked about you. Nice to meet you," and Blaine hoped he meant it and wished, although he didn't know why, that he knew nothing about their fight or anything else. But, knowing Kurt he probably said nothing about them. They never really shared all those important things with anybody.

"Likewise. And this is Jason, my boyfriend," Blaine said and turned around seeing a big grin on Jason's face as he looked at Garrett. Both, Kurt and Blaine raised their eyebrows until Jason said: "He is the old friend, Blaine. He works for Vogue and asked me to take the photos. We met some hours ago."

"You didn't tell me that Blaine is your boyfriend," Garrett said as they sat down, he next to Santana and Kurt next to him and Blaine.

"Of course I did. He is my sweetheart," Jason said indignantly and Blaine knew, he probably didn't. "Wait, so you guys actually met each other already?" Mercedes asked and looked at Kurt and Blaine who told her the story and Finn, Sam and Mike where laughing while the girls still looked at them, like they were unsure about this situation.

"And you both... come along?" it was Tina who asked it.

"Yeah, sure. We are no teenagers anymore and there is no reason to fight," Blaine assured him.

"Yes, we talked about it and it's fine," he said and they shared a smile knowing they didn't really talk about anything that was important.

Kurt told them about how he met Garrett and how he proposed to him when they were in Paris. He told them that he was working for Vogue as an assistant and that he really liked his work. Then the others told about their life's and kids and Kurt was eager to meet their children finally after so many years. Then it was Garrett's turn to tell a bit about himself but he only talked about Vogue and Kurt and that he is usually drowning in work and always at some important parties or fashion shows. Blaine however couldn't help himself and had his troubles to actually like him. And of course the reason was because he and Kurt were together and they were engaged, things he wanted to have years ago but now it was too late.

Luckily and Blaine was thankful that Santana started with it, they were talking about high school and as they all moved to New York and it felt really good to share these old stories were there was only Kurt and their friends. No Jason, no Garrett, only them and when things were fine.

"I remember how Blaine got lost and I waited for him for hours," Kurt began.

"Hey, you wanted that scarf we once saw and I wanted to buy it and surprise you."

"Blaine, you were gone for hours and I had no idea where you were. It was our second week here and I know you meant it good."

"I even called you and told you I'll be back later that day," Blaine laughed with Kurt.

"And I asked you where you are and you said at college so I thought it would only take an hour but you were gone for almost six hours."

"And I was the one who found you," Rachel said: "And he was acting like a child 'I need this scarf for Kurt! He likes it!' and then we were looking for this scarf and I swear my feet still hurt when I remember that day."

They laughed and Blaine leaned back, pouting at Kurt: "And you loved the scarf."

"Of course. After I didn't talk at you for an hour and let you sleep on the sofa."

It was good. So good to be with all the people he loved and could laugh for hours. Especially that he could laugh and talk with Kurt the way it used to be. No, it was even better. He didn't feel like he had to pretend or even try, it just happened, it worked and he really had missed this.

* * *

Later they said their goodbyes and went on their way back home. Blaine and Jason walked home, no hand holding, nothing and it wasn't even awkward or anything. This was how things were between them. They didn't take a walk together for weeks, they didn't go out for dinner or drinks together for weeks. They didn't interact couple like that much anymore because Jason was always working or sleeping. Of course he tried, he kissed him, sometimes they were intimate when Jason was awake. But it didn't feel like Blaine wished it would feel. But then he remembered how it all started, how wonderful it was and how much fun they had together. It was different, it wasn't like being with Kurt but it wasn't bad. Just now it was exhausting.

"You were happy tonight," Jason said and Blaine moved his eyes to his face to find curiosity.

"Well, yeah. They are my friends. I like to be with my friends."

"Why didn't you tell me that you met Kurt?"

Blaine gulped, his mouth suddenly dry and hoping Jason didn't see it and shrugged. He didn't want to make a secret about this, he just never thought it was important because... they were just friends and Kurt was taken, like Blaine.

"Well, you were away or sleeping and it's not like it is important. We are just friends."

"But you were happy, Blaine. I never saw you like this with anybody before. You were basically alone with him there."

"Nonsense. You were next to me and the others were there too."

Jason stopped walking and so did Blaine, turning around and staring at him. His boyfriend just stood there, looking back at Blaine and his expression was serious.

"What?"

"Do you still love him?"

"Jason, please, it's been seven years since the last time I saw him and he is engaged."

"That doesn't mean that you don't love him."

Blaine said nothing because he didn't know how he felt about Kurt. It was all new, strange and familiar at the same time. But if he actually loved him he had no idea. Sure, he liked being with Kurt because it was so easy and they have so much to talk about and they weren't fighting. Which was really important to him because he needed Kurt as a friend. Without him Blaine wouldn't be here today and without Blaine Kurt wouldn't be here too. They saved each others life.

"Is he the reason you didn't say yes? Because you are waiting for him?"

"No, Jason. I said no because we are not okay right now!" Blaine almost shouted and then he placed his hand against his forehead and sighed. God, he wanted to sleep, just sleep and figure their issues out. He heard Jason footsteps, felt his arms around his shoulders and how he pressed Blaine against his body.

"I'm sorry sweetheart. I'm just... trying so hard to fix all this. But seeing you with Kurt scared me."

Blaine hugged him back, holding him for a while because he was so confused it made him sick. Even if there were any feelings left beyond friendship it was pointless. Kurt was engaged, he was with Garrett and he looked happy with him. And he loved Jason, he wanted to be with him. It wasn't perfect and it wasn't exactly what he wanted, sometimes he even felt like he couldn't breath. But it was enough.

Therefore Blaine said nothing, he wasn't trusting his own voice and words and just pulled back, gave his boyfriend a short kiss and took his hand. Somehow it would work out, right? It was enough, right? Because sometimes it was like that. You couldn't have what you wanted and you had to be fine with the things you had. Even if it meant it would never be enough but anything you needed to be happy, at some point.


	4. Assistant

Chapter 4. Assistant

We all have our dreams and we all want our dreams to come true. We try, we work hard, we do everything to get closer to our dream so we can finally live it. We always have dreams no matter how old we are. As a child you maybe dream about being a fireman, or become a princess. Later you dream about love, your job, some trip you want to do. We always have something that we are chasing after. But sometimes we have to let a dream go, to give it up. Sometimes our dreams change and we find something new, better or something we can accept.

Since high school Kurt wanted to be an actor and a singer. He wanted to be in theaters, he wanted people to see him and let him entertain them. He loved wearing the costumes, playing many different roles. But his dream changed and not because he thought he wasn't good enough to be an actor and singer. He just figured out that it didn't make him as much happy as fashion. First he tried to not to think about it because he was already studying for a year and wanted to finish his studies together with Blaine. But he couldn't run away, he realized more and more how much more he enjoyed fashion, creating his own styles and then, as he and Blaine basically grew apart and eventually broke up he thought, maybe it would be the best to start a new life. So after their break up he changed his studies and wanted to become a designer. Kurt changed his college, moved to another part of New York and remained there for three years. It wasn't easy for him knowing Blaine was close but it made it bearable because Blaine didn't know Kurt was still in New York. Of course he made sure his friends wouldn't say a word to Blaine.

Studying was hard for Kurt because he was still sad about their break up and angry about Blaine and his only distraction were the things he had to study and creating his own clothes. He didn't want to spent time with his friends that much. Not because he didn't want to hear anything from Blaine he just couldn't stand it being around them while they were so in love, so successful and he had to start all over again, not to mention the pain he felt because he and Blaine broke up. But somehow he found enough to do, enough things to keep his mind busy and things that made him happy. Yes, he loved his new studies and was happy, although there was this hole in his heart. First it hurt a lot, later it was just there, waiting to be filled with something new. But Kurt knew there would be no one like Blaine. He met Garrett in his second year who told him that Vogue was looking for assistants and later he met him at Vogue again. Garrett was already working there for two years and began his third when Kurt finished his studies and began working there as an assistant on full time. They knew each other briefly for two years, then got to know each other for another two years when they were working together for Vogue. It took Kurt four years to finally be able to date someone, to even consider this as something he wanted and could do. So, months before Kurt turned twenty five Garrett asked him out for a date and he agreed but was unsure still. It took Garrett six dates until Kurt agreed on being together with him. It was Kurt's twenty-fifth birthday.

Being with Garrett changed a lot in Kurt's life. There was happiness, there was someone who could hold him, kiss him and make him feel good and wanted. He had someone who worked in the same business, who knew what they were talking about and who helped Kurt to become better. The first year was incredible for him. His chef Isabelle Wright was a lovely woman, always helping him, always asking for his advice and treating him like anybody else and not like just an assistant. She was even so nice and agreed on, that Kurt would be his boyfriends assistant which made his work somehow easier and getting to know his boyfriend better. It was good, it was all he wanted and although the hole in his heart was still there he knew, after six years of hearing nothing it was maybe better to forget everything and move on. Maybe some day he would meet Blaine again, he always thought. Someone would get married in the future, someone would plan a Glee club reunion and they would see each other again and this time they wouldn't fight but be friends again. Yeah, he always missed his friend Blaine and he tried not to talk that much about him when Garrett was around. Sure he told him they were together, that Blaine was his high school sweetheart, but he never told him about how much they loved each other, how strongly they believed in their future. That they would be together forever. No, it wasn't like this anymore and probably it wouldn't be like that again.

Those thoughts were part of his first year with Garrett, with being an assistant and becoming an adult. College was done, he was working, he had a relationship, he got his own money. They stayed in New York, sometimes the left New York for some weeks because of work or just for vacation. And then, as they went to Paris for some months because of their work Garrett proposed and Kurt said yes. Things were fine, he was happy. He was.

"Tonight is a charity event, you want to come with me?" Garrett asked, leaning against the door frame while Kurt was sitting at his desk and drawing a new dress. His workroom was almost empty when it came to furniture. There was one long desk, a shelve and another desk with pencils and stuff. When Kurt wasn't at work or with Garrett he spent most of his time here, drawing all the ideas he had down and stick it on his wall.

"I think not. I have some ideas I want to draw them down," he said without looking up from the dress he was drawing.

"Kurt, you used to go there, what happened? The last six months you weren't at one of them."

His boyfriend sighed, walked inside and took a look of his art. Kurt didn't like it when he did that. Garrett had this habit of criticizing him although Kurt thought there was nothing to criticize. At least Isabelle always loved his work and compared to Garrett she had more experience in this business. But he was his boyfriend, he meant it good and Kurt knew this but it made him also feel like he would never be more than an assistant. He never said a word about it because things were fine like they were. He was an assistant and supporting his boyfriend and he was at least in this business he wanted to be, even if it meant he had almost no influence on anything. Therefore he loved Isabelle because she always took his opinions and advices serious and used them for her work. Of course she said nothing about this to Garrett.

"I'm just an assistant, Garrett. It's not like I'm good enough to be more right now."

"I know babe," he kissed Kurt's temple: "One day you won't be an assistant anymore. But this doesn't matter to me, Kurt. Even if you were working at a coffee shop or in the mall, it won't change the fact that I love you and that I want the world to see my boyfriend."

All he gave him was a small smile and then he shook his head.

"I know but... those events aren't really my world."

Actually he didn't want to go there because whenever they asked him where he was working and as what he was working the treated him like that, as an assistant. Also, Garrett saying that he didn't care about Kurt only being this and nothing more wasn't completely true. Of course he never said it to Kurt, he never acknowledged it directly but Kurt knew it. Garrett enjoyed it to be the one who brought the money in their relationship, he was proud of being able to do that and this is who he supposed to be since the day he was born. He always had the best grades, he always got what he wanted and he had everything under control, like his father. Garrett always made sure things were fine, things were like he wanted them to be and that Kurt had everything he wanted. Spoiling Kurt with gifts, with travels, with everything without Kurt asking him to do so. It was nice, it was good and each person would be happy to have something like this. At the beginning Kurt liked it, but later he realized, this wasn't what he wanted, what he needed.

* * *

"She is lovely, Mercedes," Kurt said with a warm smile as he held her four year old daughter: "And she grew a lot and became even more beautiful."

"You hear that mommy!? Uncle Kurt says I'm beautiful!" the girl cheered while her curly, dark hair jumped up and down, together with her.

"I've heard it, sweetie," she smiled at her daughter who jumped off of Kurt's lap and moved excitedly on her feet, her little hands turning to fists.

"Can I show uncle Kurt my new dress, mommy? Can I!?" she asked with wide blue eyes.

"Of course, Nora," Mercedes said and with a happy squeak she ran out of the kitchen, into her room and slammed the door shut. Mercedes sighed, took a sip of her tea and Kurt chuckled.

"She is full of life, hm?"

"Oh yeah she is. Which can be pretty exhausting but the good thing is she sleeps the whole night through, so I don't want to complain."

Sitting here, in her huge white kitchen and seeing her daughter made it clear for Kurt just how much time had passed since the last time he saw her. She was just a baby, some months old and so, so small and now she could speak and walk and wasn't the baby anymore he once knew.

"So, Garrett. How long are you together?"

"Two years now. We met each other at my college and later at Vogue so I knew him briefly before we became a couple."

"And he is working with you?"

Kurt only nodded, not wanting to tell her that he was his boyfriends assistant. When he became Garrett's assistant he was pretty proud of himself but now it just felt like he never would be anything else. And he knew exactly why. For some weeks Kurt was thinking about working somewhere else so he could be a designer and not just an assistant but he loved Isabelle too much and all the other people at Vogue. And asking Garrett to change his workplace? No way.

"Come on, Kurt, tell me about the proposal," she grinned and Kurt smiled back, looking at his hands.

"It was in Paris, in front of the Eiffel Tower. I swear I thought those things only happen in movies. Ridiculous romantic."

"And you said yes? Immediately?" Mercedes asked with wide eyes and a bright smile.

"Yeah," he tried to sound happy, he tried to look like he was deeply in love. But the truth was, Kurt had his doubts. Not because he didn't love Garrett but because he couldn't be who Kurt wanted to be. It would hurt Garrett, make him angry and maybe he would feel like nothing when they both start to work as a designer and get the same payment and same attention as Garrett. He never felt like this before. Whenever Kurt had a goal he worked for it, he got there and made himself happy. He changed his studies, he worked hard to become a designer and now he was stuck because he didn't want to hurt his boyfriend and talking with Garrett about that was not possible. He did it once and they had almost a fight.

"Seems like he makes you happy?"

"Yeah, I mean of course we have our struggles but we are doing fine."

"And when is the wedding?"

Kurt laughed and shook his head: "We haven't planned this far yet. Garrett is busy until November with work and then we wanted to actually plan something."

It was almost July – Garrett's two week break was close – and then in August and September he would leave New York from time to time while Kurt would stay here and work for Isabelle.

"And you and Blaine? You are okay?"

He held his breath, tried to calm his heart down and shrugged. Blaine... he hadn't seen Blaine for years and then they met again, suddenly and on a pretty unusual way. Actually as he saw Blaine he lost control over his vehicle but didn't say a word to him about that. He couldn't tell him that his heart basically stopped the moment he saw him and that his mind went through memories he avoided or thought he forgot a long time ago.

"We are not fighting or something. We actually do come along but it's still... strange. I mean we broke up and we never called each other or anything. I haven't seen him for seven years and I knew we would meet again but I thought I would have been more prepared."

It was confusing seeing Blaine, talking with Blaine. It was like nothing ever happened, like there was no fight, nothing bad at all like they were still the people they were seven years ago. Blaine still had his soft puppy eyes, his ridiculous long eyelashes and looking a lot younger than he actually was. He still laughed about the same things, he still enjoyed the same things and he still had this smile for Kurt. And somewhere, deep inside him he felt how this hole in his heart began to be filled again. It was good but it was also scary.

"You two talked about the past? I remember how bad your fight was."

"We... didn't talk about this yet and that's why it's still strange for me and for Blaine too. I mean, I was together with him for three years and I know him. He hasn't changed much."

A small, warm smile stretched on Kurt's face and he really liked it that Blaine was still Blaine. Sure he changed, he was more mature, more reasonable but he was still this lovely, helping guy Kurt got to know through the years they were together and as he found this out his heard dropped because of relief. As he and Blaine broke up Kurt feared that Blaine would fall back into his old habits, that the next thing he would hear from Blaine were some bad news in the morning news. It could have been anything, a fight, robbery, stealing a car... because this was also Blaine Anderson.

"I'm just... happy that we are friends again or on our way to be friends again."

With a smile she reached for his hand, squeezed it and said: "I'm glad you two are fine."

* * *

Saying it didn't do something to him when he saw Blaine would be a lie. Of course there were all those feelings from the past, the memories, everything that he and Blaine once had coming back and remembering him how beautiful the time was. But it was not only the time they spent together, or that they were each other first kiss, or first time and all the other first times they've shared. Before they were together, before they even knew each other both went through hard times and without the other both probably wouldn't be where they were now. And because of this, because of all the things they did for each other, went through together Kurt always thought they would be together forever. There was never a serious fight between them or something that made Kurt ever doubt they wouldn't make it. Until one day.

"Hey Kurt," Isabelle smiled at him, her head peeking through the door with a bright smile.

"Isabelle, hi. You are back," he stood up from his desk and walked to her to share a hug.

She went inside, closed the door behind her and Kurt placed two chairs in front of his desk showing her to sit down.

"How was Chicago?"

"Good, the young designers had some amazing ideas. It's always refreshing to visit those events."

When he began to study fashion design he was the same, enthusiastic, having ideas and ideas and everything that crossed his mind was immediately drawn down. In the past seven years he filled seven sketchbooks with his ideas but he never showed them to anybody. Sure his teachers saw them and some of his fellow students and one time Isabelle caught a glimpse of them. She loved them, called them beautiful, said he was incredibly talented and asked him why he never made an application to work as an designer or even sent his works to someone because it was just amazing. Of course Kurt wanted to do that, of course he wanted people to see and wear his ideas. But things changed.

"And you are doing good? Happy to be back in New York?"

"Yeah, very. I met my friends, saw their kids and it was really good. I haven't seen them for so long. I... even met my ex boyfriend."

Isabelle raised her eyebrows, nodding knowingly and smiled, not even trying to hide how curious she was.

"And you two are okay?"

"I think we are. I mean we aren't twenty anymore and the way we met again was kind of funny."

It was so easy for Kurt to talk with her, to trust her and share almost everything with her. It was easier than with Garrett who had his values and his opinions and didn't let anybody convince him that he was wrong or did something wrong. Sometimes it was tiring and sometimes it was helpful. That's why he never told him about Blaine, or what they had, or why they even broke up. He only told him that Blaine was his high school sweetheart, the first love of his life and that was it. He never said that Blaine was the love of his life and would ever be it. Of course not, you don't say such a thing to your actual boyfriend and basically start a fight, a pointless fight and make him feel like a second choice. He told her about the way they met and Isabelle laughed with her beautiful voice.

"Sounds like from a love story. Well, I know it isn't like that but it's good that you have him back. I know you missed him, especially as a friend."

And he really missed him. He missed their friendship, missed it to have someone around him who knew him better than Kurt knew himself.

"There is still some things we need to talk about sooner or later but for now I'm happy to have him back." This happiness he felt around Blaine felt good and at the same time it worried him. It was so easy, so familiar to be with Blaine and he first realized this when Garrett said it. How happy he looked, how he was around Blaine, how they were together and Kurt kept on saying that there is nothing, that they are friends, that it's normal how they treat each other because they were a part of the others life. Kurt kept on telling this to himself but he couldn't deny it that there were feelings.

"I would really like to meet him one day. Maybe you can organize such a meeting?"

And Kurt nodded while Isabelle smiled, patted his shoulder and left. He knew this smile, he knew this expression. She wouldn't say it but Kurt knew she and Garrett didn't come along and she wished Kurt would be together with someone else but accepted his decision.

* * *

It was the first Saturday of July and Garrett wasn't at home. Another party, another event and he loved it. He loved to go there, enjoyed the high society, enjoyed the long nights about gossip, fashion and money. Maybe people like Garrett with his position and his fame liked those events and maybe, as an assistant you didn't. Or maybe it was just Kurt who always felt not right there and people basically made it clear for him just because of his status. Of course Isabelle was there too and he was sure she would only say the best about him and try to make him more popular inside the fashion design business, but he couldn't let that happen. With a sigh he turned off the TV, stood up and left his apartment. It was a warm evening when he walked outside, the sky clear and people walking through the city. They lived close to the city like Garrett like it so the way back home from work and the way to the events wasn't that far. It was always loud, always some light shining and it was really annoying Kurt the first weeks. Now he just dealt with it, stuffing his ears and trying to sleep. That's why he liked Blaine's place. It was a nice, quiet housing complex near a park and not that far away from the heart of the city. When they met – which happened like three times after their night with their friends in Santana's bar – he was once at Blaine's place, exchanging old stuff they had from each other, then in the city for a cup of coffee and later with Finn in a coffee shop too. But he really liked Blaine's place because it was not only placed in a quiet and really beautiful part of the city but also because it was so Blaine and he always felt good around Blaine. No matter how bad their fight was, no matter what they said to each other it wouldn't change the fact that he felt good around him. Those bad memories weren't as important as all the good one and he had many of those. Which is why he headed to Santana's bar knowing Blaine would be there that night and play something. Just because Garrett went out didn't mean that Kurt had to stay at home.

He took a cab, drove to Santana's bar and walked inside. There were people sitting at the tables – all tables were taken – and Santana was serving drinks, smiling at her guests she already knew well and as she saw Kurt a smug smile stretched over her lips.

"Hey, Kurt. Where is your fancy fiance?"

"At some party. Not really my world so I thought I come here instead of being at home and be bored as hell."

"Well, I bet it won't be boring here. Come on I give you a drink for free."

He followed her to the bar and sat down, turned around to face the stage were two guys were arranging the instruments. He didn't know those people but he knew the guy with the wide grin and gelled hair. Blaine was beaming, holding his guitar and wearing dark blue jeans, a white shirt and black vest.

"You are here to meet Blaine?" Santana asked as she gave Kurt a red colored cocktail with a cherry.

"No, he doesn't know I'm here."

He didn't need to say that he wanted to see him, hear him play and sing and enjoy this good feeling he always had when Blaine was singing or just around him. Of course Kurt was curious if he would feel what he felt in the past when Blaine sang and also how good he became in singing. No, he had no doubt that Blaine became even better in singing. His blue eyes were focused back on the stage, seeing Blaine and the three other guys taking their places, laughing about something and then Blaine leaned to the microphone, holding his guitar and counted down.

watch?v=rGKfrgqWcv0

"_one, two, one, two, three, four!"_

They began to play, moving slowly to the music, smiling, laughing and the small crowd was cheering with them, clapping and some jumped up. It was clear that those people knew Blaine and the other guys, that they enjoyed their music and not for the first time. Kurt smiled to himself, drinking his cocktail through a straw and watching Blaine from afar. His beautiful, happy, in love with art Blaine.

"_Well I came home, like a stone. And I fell heavy into your arms. These days of dust, which we've known, will blow away with this new sun."_

Kurt just held his glass, watched Blaine, listened and his eyes grew wide. He knew this song.

"_But I'll kneel down wait for now. And I'll kneel down know my ground."_

They stopped playing for a second and Blaine caught Kurt's eyes singing: _"And I will wait I will wait for you,"_ Kurt saw him swallowing, then smiling: _"And I will wait I will wait for you."_

And they played again, Blaine grinning at the crowd and as he saw Kurt, as their eyes met they both forgot to smile for one second, Kurt forgot why he was here and where he was because this always happened when Blaine sang and he loved it, he enjoyed it. It was his heaven when Blaine sang to him. Remembering where they were, they shared a smile and Blaine sang again, looking at him.

_"So break my step and relent. Well you forgave and I won't forget,"_ Kurt mouthed the song with Blaine, looking down for a second because yes, he forgave, Blaine forgave him: _"Know what we've seen and him with less. Now in some way shake the excess."_

Those were one of those songs – _'Cause I will wait I will wait for you_ – he and Blaine used to hear when they met each other until the day they broke up. The last time he heard to those songs was right after their break up – _And I will wait I will wait for you – _and he knew he did it only to have something from Blaine close to him. Something only they shared – _And I will wait I will wait for you – _without any other. He remembered_ – And I will wait I will wait for you – _how Blaine sang this song to him when he told him that he wanted to be with him but he was still such a troublesome guy that Kurt told him he needed time and Blaine said he would wait.

"_Now I'll be bold as well as strong,"_ again they shared a look, a smile and Kurt almost blushed when he heard the other words: _"And use my head alongside my heart,"_ and his heart began to pound fast and heavy against his chest: _"So tame my flesh and fix my eyes. A tethered mind freed from the lies."_

There he was, singing about the past, singing about the things that once were and maybe even still, somewhere were.

"_And I'll kneel down wait for now. I'll kneel down know my ground."_

Somewhere, deep inside his heart, hidden in the darkest place of his heart and mind he wished that it would be the same, that he only needed to say yes and start again. Just to try it, just to see what it would be like but it wasn't right. He had Garrett, he was engaged and it was crazy what he thought. The thoughts of a young boy he once was, believing in all those things they told in fairy tales.

"_Raise my hands, paint my spirit gold. And bow my head, keep my heart slow." _

But he would give a lot to just be free _– 'Cause I will wait I will wait for you – _and say yes to Blaine when he asked him again _– And I will wait I will wait for you – _and fix their struggles, talk about it_ – And I will wait I will wait for you – _and deal with it differently_ – And I will wait I will wait for you – _on a mature way because Blaine would always be the love of his life.

* * *

Acting because of some feelings that happened suddenly, because of some things you didn't do in the past but want to do now, although it would only cause trouble, weren't always good decisions. Sometimes it was true, no risk no fun, but sometimes it was better to wait and see. And Kurt tried that. All the things he felt happened because of old memories, good old memories. Seeing Blaine singing, sometimes singing to him and one of those songs they used to hear made him feel like the young man he once was. They both were young, trying things out, acting after their feelings without thinking. But this was many years ago. He looked over his shoulder, watching Blaine leaving the stage and walking up to him with a big smile and Kurt smiled back.

"Hey," he breathed, sitting down next to Kurt and waving to Santana who nodded.

"You've become better and... it was good to hear this song again."

He watched Blaine's smile grew smaller, his head slowly nodding and then Santana gave him his beer and turned around again.

"I've listened to our... songs the past weeks even before we met. And after I met you I couldn't stop. But, thank you."

Kurt didn't listen to the songs but he knew what Blaine meant. After meeting him, talking with him brought so many things back that he wasn't sure how he felt, what he should feel and what was the best thing to do. Sure, Kurt wanted to spent more time with Blaine and be friends with him but not under those circumstances and not without talking about the things that happened. He needed to talk about their break up, make things clear and then move on with him.

"I was thinking about the past too... and I think we should talk about it."

"Yeah... I wanted to ask you the same. And I was thinking, maybe, we could meet with our boyfriends to a... movie night or something. I mean you are engaged and I would like to know him."

"Really?"

"Yes. Well, Jason is worried that I would leave him because you are back. And I would like him to know you and see that there is nothing to be worried about. But I also want to know Garrett and make sure he treats you right."

Kurt laughed, not because he thought it was funny but because it made him insecure. So, Jason didn't like him and Blaine wanted to know Garrett and see that he was right for Kurt. He was unsure what he should think about that. Yet this was Blaine who always cared about other people and wanted those people he loved to be safe and happy. Like a friend.

"Sure, why not. I think it would be good," however, Kurt wasn't sure about that because Garrett didn't really like those things. He was no jealous person and he wasn't afraid that Kurt would leave him.

"Where is Garrett, if I may ask."

"At some event. Not really my thing so I came here and..." he couldn't say that he wanted to see him: "...hoped I wouldn't be bored anymore."

"Oh, this makes him look like a bad boyfriend," Blaine smiled and Kurt knew he was joking. Actually... it was true at some point and this hurt. Garrett loved his work, did everything for his work and sometimes Kurt wondered – especially in the past weeks – if his work and those events were more important than him.

"It's his job. But, to come back to your idea, I think it would be good. I don't want to cause any trouble between you and Jason because I want to see you."

"Don't worry, Kurt. Just because we were together doesn't mean we can't see each other. You are engaged, I'm with Jason but that doesn't mean I can't care about other people or be friends with you. And I want to be friends with you."

His voice sounded sad and his eyes were locked on his beer: "No matter what will happen or what happened... I've never stopped carrying about you and I won't stop. We are friends, we always were."

He stared at Blaine, just breathing saying nothing and wishing, not even trying to deny it, that he and Garrett weren't together, that he was free, Blaine was free and they would just talk, talk for hours and try it again. But this was just a dream and maybe not a smart decision. His life was okay, he was engaged and he loved Garrett. It was enough.

"Me too."

"So," Blaine smiled at him: "Maybe next weekend? Jason and I have nothing to do and we could meet at our place."

And Kurt nodded although he wished they didn't have to do that. He wished he could just meet Blaine, alone and talk and somewhere, deep inside him he wished Garrett wouldn't know about that and also Jason. No one and it would be just be him and Blaine again. Just for some hours.

"You okay? You look a bit worried," Blaine asked and placed his hand on Kurt's shoulder.

"Yes... I'm just a bit tired."

But Kurt wasn't okay.


	5. Our Movies

Chapter 5. Our movies

People come and go in our life. Some are gone for good, some stay until the end and some go and come back again. They are part of our life and always will be. They have a special place in our mind, our heart and when we meet those people again we remember the good, sad and silly things and laugh or share some sympathy. It's good to meet old friends again. But your life is not the same, it changed, you have new friends in your life, a new job, new apartment, new partner. And sometimes your friends or your partner don't approve your old friend. Especially when you have a new partner and your ex is back in your life.

Kurt had to face this situation with Blaine's boyfriend. He didn't believe that Jason disliked him but that he was worried because of his and Blaine's past. Of course they laughed together and of course they knew each other. It was a natural thing for both of them because, maybe 3 years weren't long but for Kurt they were intense. He never got a person to know as good as Blaine and he never was as close to a person like to Blaine. Therefore it was no surprise just how much it hurt him when they broke up. But it was also no surprise how much and how good they knew each other. Surprisingly for Kurt was really that Blaine didn't really change. All the things he once loved about Blaine were still there and he didn't even look older. Sure there were some new things like he was more calm, mature and being in peace with life and himself. But he was still the Blaine Anderson he fell in love with so many years ago. Or maybe he didn't notice the change in Blaine yet because they weren't spending that much time together. Which was why he really wanted to change it and spent more time with him. Especially talk about their past and what happened because he still felt like he owned Blaine an explanation and also Kurt needed one from Blaine. Luckily Garrett was fine with that and also with the movie night and Kurt hoped that Garrett wasn't like Jason because he really wanted Garrett to like Blaine or at least accept him.

"Did you buy the wine I asked you to?" Kurt asked from the couch were he was reading the new Vogue as Garrett came out of his room.

"Of course," he answered and sat down next to Kurt, typing something on his phone. It probably had something to do with work like always, Kurt thought and looked back into his magazine.

"Kurt?"

"Mmh?"

"Why did you never tell me about Blaine?"

He looked up from his magazine, staring at his fiance with raised eyebrows. What was that supposed to mean?

"I told you about Blaine."

He never made a secret about Blaine or that they were together because it didn't seem fair towards Garrett. They were still living in New York and it was possible to meet Blaine anytime – well Kurt made sure he moved far away from Blaine and avoided the places they were used to go.

"I mean about how you met and how your relationship was. Also I have no idea why you two broke up."

Oh, that, Kurt thought and took one last glimpse into the article he was reading but decided to close the Vogue and focus on Garrett. Even if he kept on reading Garrett would have taken away his magazine and waited for Kurt to say something. This was Garrett, he always got what he wanted and if not he took it.

"Because it doesn't matter."

The truth was Kurt didn't want to share anything that he experienced with Blaine. It was his, his alone and too precious to share with anyone. The good times and the bad times, everything he wanted to keep for himself, with Blaine and Kurt knew Blaine didn't share it either.

"We were together, we had a great time but it didn't work out. And now you and I are together and about to get married. Isn't this what should matter now?" Talking about them, their marriage, what they have planned for the future always made Garrett quiet, smiling and he stopped what he was doing. Kurt hoped it would work this time too, but Garrett didn't jump on that and looked at Kurt, turning his phone off.

"I just want to know who he is because I doubt he'll be out of our lives, right? I saw how good you two get along although you haven't seen or heard from each other for seven years. And you know I give you everything you want and need. Even if it's Blaine."

Discomfort was all Kurt felt. Garrett didn't mean that he would let Kurt go if this case would ever happen. He meant, that if he wanted to be friends with Blaine he wouldn't be against it or do something against it. But Kurt knew Garrett and his strange ways of dealing with something or wanting something and he was sure many ways Garrett decided to go he had no idea about. His fiance could be an asshole, he could be cruel and he always had this fake smile when he disliked someone. So far this didn't happen when Blaine was around because right now there was no reason to act that way. However, the future was unclear and Kurt was a bit worried, even scared it could be like this. What if he had to make a decision? What if Garrett asked him to stay away from Blaine? Although Garrett gave Kurt everything he needed what if Blaine made am exception? No, Kurt mentally shook his head. This would never happen because Garrett and Jason were friends and if he could be friends with Jason so could Kurt be with Blaine.

"Blaine is a good guy and a good friend. And we two should get ready."

* * *

This meeting, Blaine, him and their boyfriends was never something Kurt imagined. In his dreams he was always with Blaine, married, living together and having a little family. Never had he dreamed of that one day he would meet Blaine and his boyfriend and Kurt with his. It was always Kurt and Blaine and it felt like forever. Still somewhere in his head he liked to keep this memory because there were so many good memories with Blaine and this was one of them. It always sounded so good and so easy on his lips when he said Blaine and I or Kurt and Blaine. Also he couldn't change the smile he had for Blaine. This one warm smile when he saw him, not even after seven years.

"Hey! Welcome," Blaine greeted them as he opened the door and shared a hug with Kurt, smiling like he used to.

They both greeted him, went inside and took their shoes off, following Blaine to the living room where Jason was waiting and grinning wide and happy when he saw Garrett.

"Dude! Hey! I need to show you something."

And then Jason simply left, not saying hi to Kurt or paying any attention at him which made Kurt feel uncomfortable and a bit sad. His boyfriend followed Jason, giving Kurt a look who only shook his head as for saying he was fine. The door to Jason room closed and Blaine sighed annoyed.

"Sorry about that. I tried to talk to him but we ended up fighting."

"I'm sorry if I was the reason for that."

Blaine gave Kurt an earnest look.

"Don't be sorry, Kurt. It's not your fault that he can't act like an adult. I met his ex boyfriends before and I never acted like an idiot. Because that's what he is doing. But, whatever, he'll calm down."

Kurt really hoped that. Being the reason for their fight made him even more uncomfortable and he wanted Jason to at least accept him because he wasn't planning to stop seeing Blaine. They went to the kitchen where Kurt saw a huge bowl with popcorn and Blaine opened the cupboard to get the glasses and he remembered how it was when they were still together. Sometimes Kurt came home late while Blaine was already there and prepared everything for a lazy movie night before they would go to bed and just sleep, snuggled together and make the other feel safe and loved. Before he met him, before they began to know each other Kurt never thought he would ever find someone like Blaine. His life was such a mess 10 years ago that he was so sure he would end up working in a coffee shop or wherever. Then he met Blaine and suddenly things began to change. They went through high school together and decided to go to New York and although Kurt's life was better he was still scared. Here, in this town where they had only each other and some of their old friends, Blaine was Kurt's anchor, the hand he knew would never let him go and get used to this life and make it through college. He really enjoyed this domestic life they had, this life where they weren't some high school students anymore and struggling with their young minds and trying to find out who they were. And never had he thought they would break up one day.

"What are you thinking? I guess something good judging by the way you smile," asked Blaine and tugged Kurt out of his memories. He wasn't aware of his smile.

"It's just familiar. I mean it's still kind of awkward that we are... here, you know? You and me. But it's also familiar."

Blaine put the second bowl down as he wanted to fill it with popcorn too and even he had to smile. It wasn't as warm as Kurt's was but he obviously knew what Kurt was talking about.

"You made the worst popcorn ever," Blaine chuckled and made the tension go away because Kurt groaned and rolled his eyes playfully.

"Well, my cookies are still incredible."

"Oh, I have no doubt about that."

But Kurt wouldn't let him go away so easily. No matter how good it was to just be able to talk with him and be around him like nothing ever happened, he really wanted tot talk about this. About the past years, about what went wrong and just start at a new point as friends. Not talking about this would mean that he would never find closure. Never. He never did. The past years he always regretted that he and Blaine never talked about it but both just ran away from each other and distracted themselves. At least he did that.

"I was thinking, Blaine," he began to speak and looked Blaine in the eye making sure he had his attention: "And I really want to talk about... what happened with us. What happened in the past years."

He blinked, leaned his whole weight against the counter and cocked his head while Kurt inhaled deeply and exhaled.

"We've already said, that, we want to talk about this. But I want us to be alone when we do that. Jason obviously wouldn't listen-"

"No. He is too stubborn, sorry," Blaine cut him off and smiled apologetically.

"And Garret doesn't know everything and I want to keep it that way. But... I want us to find some closure. Like really starting from zero because we just walked away from each other and there things I need to know and get over this."

"Of course."

Blaine smiled and so did Kurt. They took the two bowls of popcorn and the four glasses and went to the living room. Kurt really needed this talk with Blaine. He needed to talk about what happened, to find some answers and stop feeling like this. Before he met Blaine again he was so sure about everything, it wasn't perfect, not at all but his life made him happy, Garret made him happy and he was able to imagine a future together with him. They had a good life, loved their job, each other and that was all Kurt needed, right? Meeting Blaine was just confusing him and making him think the famous 'what if' questions. It was nothing that surprised him. They were together for so long, loved each other for so long and planned so many things together that the sudden break up and the not existing contact left nothing but questions and weird feelings. Feelings he never felt again with anyone. He told himself, as soon as they talked about everything and would start from zero again things would be just fine.

"Jason! We want to start!" Blaine called as they sat down on the couch and soon he heard the door going open and Kurt shared a smile with his fiancé as they both came to them and sat down. He risked a small glimpse at Jason who didn't pay any attention towards Kurt and sat down next to Blaine, placing his hand on his cheek and giving him a kiss and looking at Kurt for a second. Oh, okay, that said everything and Kurt almost rolled his eyes because Blaine was right. Jason acted like a stubborn child making sure people knew who Blaine belonged to.

"Jason," Blaine mumbled a bit annoyed and his boyfriend smirked, wrapping his arm around Blaine's shoulder.

"What are we going to watch?" Garret asked and stared at his phone typing something down.

"Les Miserablés," Kurt said and exhaled as his partner shoved his phone back into his pocket and smiled at Kurt. Good, at least he tried to enjoy this and not focus on work or anything.

"It's the musical, right?" Garret asked and Kurt nodded knowing he didn't like musicals as much as Kurt did but also that Garret wouldn't say no because it made him happy.

"Yeah, Blaine and I wanted to watch it together as we knew it would come out but we never got the chance to do so."

"You saw it like how many times?"

"I stopped counting but it's... it's a tradition Blaine and I had."

And then his fiancé smiled again, nodding and leaning back waiting for Blaine to turn on the TV and start the movie. Blaine just did that and Jason pulled him back next him, holding him close and Kurt could tell, judging by Blaine's eyes that he really didn't like that. Not because he felt uncomfortable or because he didn't want Jason around. No, he didn't like it because of the reasons Jason did that. Maybe it wasn't smart from him and from Blaine to be friends again. If it meant that he would ruin Blaine's relationship and cause only trouble he would step back and leave him alone. It would hurt, sure, and he really didn't want that but more than that he didn't want Blaine to be unhappy and fight with his boyfriend. He sighed, watching how the movie began and then back at his hand, watching the ring on his finger and sighed silently. They would figure it out and eventually Jason would understand that Kurt really didn't have any ulterior motives. All he wanted was his friend back who helped him to be who he is today. One last time he looked over to Blaine who was looking at Kurt and gave him a reassuring smile.

They were half through the movie and it was only Kurt and Blaine who really paid any attention to the story. Jason fell asleep like he always did during a movie and Garret was too busy with his phone, texting with someone. First Kurt tried to get his attention but he soon gave up and Blaine didn't even try to wake his boyfriend. He took the bowl with popcorn, placed it between him and Kurt and poured some wine – which Kurt brought – into their glasses and just enjoyed the movie with him. Both agreed on how awesome Javert was and how amazing Anne Hathaway performance was and when they begin to sing 'Do you hear the people sing' Blaine and Kurt couldn't help themselves but mouth the words along and grin at each other. The epilogue began and Garret patted Kurt's knee and stood up, going to the bathroom and accepting a call. Jason was snoring and wouldn't wake up anytime soon so they both just shared a look, telling how sorry they were about that and tried to enjoy the last minutes of the movie.

Kurt really couldn't believe it. He wasn't actually mad at Garret because this was his natural behavior but he really hoped he wouldn't do that, putting his work before him again. This meant really a lot to Kurt and it was something that made him happy and he wanted Garret to see it. He needed to know that Blaine was just his friend, a good guy and would never do anything that was not okay. And Blaine probably felt the same towards his boyfriend because when the movie was over he stood up and took everything from the table back to the kitchen. Kurt stood up, helping Blaine and following him watching how he let everything drop into the sink not carrying if he would break anything.

"Well that was just awesome," Blaine huffed and turned the water on: "It's not like he did this on purpose, he really falls asleep when we watch a movie but I thought he would try not to."

Kurt pressed his lips together, watching Blaine how he began to wash the bowl and glasses out.  
"Maybe they just need some time. They'll understand it soon."

Blaine stopped what he was doing for some seconds, looking at Kurt and then he looked back down again asking: "What does Garret think about that?"

"He isn't worried. If you were a bad person he wouldn't let me see you but, I guess... he knows you aren't a bad person and just my friend."

"Lucky you," Blaine said and took the other bowl which Kurt gave him. Lucky, hm? Looking at this yes, Kurt was lucky that Garret didn't act like Jason. But he only did this because Blaine made Kurt happy and Garret never took something away from Kurt that made him happy. Nothing that was already there and Blaine was always there. Maybe not physically but in his mind.

"Look, Blaine. I really don't want to be the reason you and Jason fight over. If it's causing you just trouble to be friends with me I stand away from you."

Again Blaine stopped what he was doing and stared at Kurt, this time with wide eyes and almost shaking his head. Oh, okay, Kurt was not the only one who desperately wanted Blaine to stay in his life.

"I don't want that, Kurt. You know what we've been through. You know it better than anyone."

"I know," Kurt whispered just like Blaine: "But I-"

"No 'but', Kurt. Jason will get over this. He knows it's not you or anyone who is responsible for us having a hard time right now. He is just looking for someone to blame."

They had a hard time? Kurt didn't know about that and somehow – and he knew this was wrong – it made him feel some kind of relieve. Which was stupid because they weren't what they once were and he felt so much shame because he felt this way. He wanted Blaine to be happy and not unhappy.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you could just walk away from me, after everything we've been through. Because I... I can't. I wouldn't be who I am today without you and you know me, Kurt," Blaine whispered and his tone was serious: "We helped each other, we saved each other and I really regret the past seven years. I regret that I lost my best friend."

Friend. Right. They were friends. They were friends who knew each other so good that no matter if Blaine would cry or be angry or hopeless Kurt would just know what to do and how to help. And Blaine would know the same if Kurt ever needed someone.

"Me too."

* * *

Was it a bad thing when your friend knew you better than your boyfriend? Wasn't your partner supposed to know how to comfort you and treat you so you could be happy and feel loved? Especially the person you were supposed to marry? Because that was how he felt right now. Garret gave him the physical pleasure, gave him love and everything Kurt wished to have. Everything that had nothing to do with emotions. Sometimes Garret did things that hurt Kurt but he never said something because Garret didn't know better. He had no idea about Kurt's high school years, nothing about what Blaine went through, what he went through and how they found a way out of their misery together. So it was no surprise that Garret did some things or say Kurt never liked. How when he had no idea about those important things that made Kurt to who he was. It would be easy to just tell him everything and make him understand but Kurt didn't want that. It was his and Blaine's he sharing felt just wrong.

"Jason really has something against you," said Garret as they walked into their apartment.

"Well, I'm Blaine's ex maybe this is reason enough to dislike me."

He slipped out of his shoes and wanted to walk to the bathroom but he felt his fiances hand stopping him by taking his hand and turned him around. Garret smiled at him, his dark blue eyes looking straight into Kurt's and he began to tremble slightly.

"I can talk to him and tell him there is no need to be worried," he whispered and kissed Kurt's ring. Oh, he almost forgot that the ring was there.

"There is no need to be worried, right?"

"Of course not," Kurt chuckled and tried to act normal because somehow, it made him uncomfortable. He didn't need his partner to go to Jason and tell him to back off and stop being an idiot towards Kurt. No, he really didn't need that he could handle it alone and moreover, Blaine already said they had a hard time.

"Good. I'm going to check my mails and then we'll meet in bed?"

"Sure," Kurt answered, accepting the short kiss and Garret left.

No, there was no need to be worried. Not one. He just wanted his friend back. Just his friend.


	6. Trouble

Chapter 6. Trouble

**_10 years ago – McKinley High School – Ohio_**

His pounding head hurt so bad he felt like he could pass out any minute and the smell of his own blood made everything even worse. But one thing satisfied him, only one thing and he wasn't even ashamed of it. No, this asshole deserved it. No one shoved him around, no one called him names and no one would go away with nothing if he did so. Luckily Blaine knew all these places at school where no teacher even thought about to look if things were okay and in the past two years not one teacher caught him here where he had his fights will all those assholes who thought it was fucking fun to treat him like shit. He stared down at the guy who was laying next to his feet and Blaine bowed down, hissing: "If you call me a fagot one more time, you'll regret it." They dark haired guy groaned, curled himself into a fetal position and Blaine walked away from him, back inside the school to the bathroom. On his way people stared at him, his bleeding nose, his rumpled clothes and dirty face but it was nothing new, not at all. This was Blaine Anderson the guy who never ran away from trouble and was never afraid to do what he wanted to do. There was not one day which passed without a fight no matter if it was only verbal or physical. So it was nothing new, not for the students at McKinley. The best was to avoid Blaine Anderson if no one wanted to be in trouble because he literally looked for trouble.

Inside the bathroom he turned the water on, took his leather jacket off and began to wash his face and hissed because of the pain. Yet he went through worse pain compared to this. Blaine washed his face, his hands and took his shirt off. There was no need to show people the drops of blood on his white shirt and he could already hear some of the teachers sighing, complaining and taking him to Figgins. No, he really didn't want and need that. He pulled a new t-shirt out of his bag, the dirty one back inside and put it on. God, finally he didn't have to smell his own blood and the pounding in his head also slowly faded away. This idiot, he deserved it, Blaine thought and put his jacket back on, took his bag and left the bathroom walking to his English lesson.

What was the point anyway? He could also just drop his classes and go somewhere else and use his time like he wanted to. He didn't even pay much attention to what the teacher was saying. No, Blaine Anderson, seventeen years old knew he wouldn't graduate anyway, not with his list of how many times he got suspended, changed his schools, the two times they caught him because he stole beer from a shop and the many times he had fights with some guys. Sometimes he beat the crap out of them, sometimes he was the one who got beaten and it wouldn't be the first time he has bruises all over his skin. One time someone even broke his arm. And why he did that? Once someone asked him this and he had no answer. Honestly, it was none of their damn business. All he felt was anger, deep, red, anger and he needed to let it out. Oh the teachers at McKinley knew about that but luckily here no one ever caught him doing those things and he hoped it would stay like that. No, actually he didn't care if they caught him or not because he wouldn't graduate anyway.

"Mr. Anderson, please put your feet down from the table."

Blaine shoot a cold look to the teacher but did that. He was too tired and his head still hurt from the fight an hour ago to argue with his teacher.

* * *

It was his second week at McKinley. His second week of being alone during lunch, doing his homework, walk alone through the halls and also going alone to school and out when it was over. It was nothing new, nothing changed. In the past year he changed his schools three times and it didn't help or change him. His parents could try this over and over again but it wouldn't change anything. He hated school, he hated to listen to people and he hated to live with his parents. But he had no friends or any other place to go so he was stuck in his misery and he really couldn't care less. He would probably end up in jail anyway and he was fine with that. Eventually his parents would get tired of him and stop carrying.

"I told you to shut your mouth, Rachel!" he heard someone shouting and then how a tray fell to the floor. Blaine looked up from the place he was sitting in the school canteen and watched a boy standing up and leaving the room with fast steps not carrying about the looks or how the girl with the brown hair called after him. Oh, maybe he wasn't the only guy who was looking for trouble here.

* * *

When you are seventeen you think you know everything and you think you can do everything. You are stuck in a circle of feeling mature and many confusing emotions. You feel like no one understands you or is smarter than you. Of course there are teenager who don't feel that way but being a teenager is really confusing. Because you are about to finish school, because you fall in love for the first time, because of all the different hormones and change of your body. You have to make decisions your parents can't do for you, you get to know who you are, you have to deal with all those strange things you never had to experience when you were a child. You have to deal with many different people, some of them are nice, some don't and you end up feeling misunderstood, lost and sometimes you do things you wonder why you are doing them. And sometimes you are just stuck because this is your life, this is how it will be forever and you can't see a way out of it.

Blaine felt a lot like this. Each damn day he felt this anger inside of him, this anger on the world, on his parents, people in general. The day he came out as gay was the worst day in his entire life. He was just fifteen, watching a movie with his friends and told them that he liked boys. And they began to laugh at him. The next day the whole school was laughing at him and, eventually, his parents found it out and told him he was just confused and he couldn't be gay. Blaine never said it again, never. He told himself maybe they were right, maybe it was just his confusing mind who told him that and it wasn't true. But once he said it the laughter, the weird looks never stopped and then the bullies began. First they called him names, then they began to shove him against the lockers and all he could do was trying to avoid them. Each morning he waited until everyone was in their classes and ran to his own. During school he looked for places to hide but he wasn't always that lucky. His life kept on being like that for six months and he really tried to convince them – and maybe himself too – that he wasn't gay. He was even so desperate he asked a girl if she would pretend to be his girlfriend so people would stop picking on him. But no, no one wanted to help him. Almost each night he cried himself to sleep, tried to stay strong during school and his parents never asked him again if he still 'felt' gay. They said he wasn't and everything was said and done.

But Blaine knew it better, so much better. He wasn't attracted to girl, he didn't dream of a girls body or wanted a girls body. He liked boys, he liked cocks and the night, when he turned sixteen he watched his first porno and knew it. He was gay, 100% gay.

Tired of being bullied and tired of all the people who knew him better than he knew himself Blaine began to take boxing lessons. Gone was the nice boy with good grades and this charming smile. Gone was the boy with slick hair and a huge heart. He was tired, tired and angry and he wanted to do anything so people would just stop bullying him. He found some 'friends' who helped him to know how he had to hit people so they wouldn't get any bad injuries but would feel enough pain so they were laying on the ground, groaning maybe crying and leave him alone. Yes, it didn't take too long and he had his first fight at his school and immediately his parents got a call and Blaine got suspended from school for the first time in his life.

He was sitting on a bench in a park close to his parents house and remembered that day pretty clear. His dad drove them both back home, clearly angry but not saying a word and Blaine paid none attention towards his father. As soon as the door was closed his father began yelling at him and Blaine yelled back, it didn't make much sense what words they threw at each other but his dad told him it was the bad influence of his so called friends. Oh, and not to forget that he was pretty much gay. Yes, Blaine understood it that his parents didn't understand him or what he was going through. All they wanted was a straight boy with good grades and no boy who began to punch people and look for fights.

The next day they decided to move to another city so Blaine could get out of this school, those people and find a better, nicer environment. Blaine never disagreed or showed any signs of interested. He didn't care about anything at all.

He breathed a laugh and thought about how he ended up here, his last school year and nothing really changed. His father still yelled at him, his mother tried to date him with girls and he still got away with robbery and still was fighting with people. Nothing really changed and no one cared. They just avoided him, tried to talk stuff out of his mind but no one really cared about him. No one asked him what was wrong, what he wanted, why he kept on looking for fights and doing all these wrong things. No one. His father even said it to him that, if Blaine ever ended up in jail because by the way his son acted it seems like he couldn't wait to go there, his father would gladly drive him there. Yeah, so much about his parents. So why should he change anything? It didn't matter at all. It was all pointless. He was gay, he was a troublesome guy and he would never ever made something out of his life. Not with all the things he had already done.

* * *

"Anderson!" he heard Karofsky yelling at him while Blaine walked through the corridors of McKinley minding his own business. He turned around, watching he tall man basically running to him and gave him a smirk, while he held his football jacket up in the air and Blaine could see the hole there, which he burned inside it some hours ago when they had football practice.

"I know you are behind this!" Karofsky hissed and grasped Blaine by his collar and pulled him up, off the floor.

"Hm, are you sure? I mean why would I go to the stinky room of you football players and ruin your jacket? I have better stuff to do."

Blaine saw the people around him taking two steps away from them, giving them shocked looks, disgusted looks and he couldn't care about them.

"I'm pretty sure. You are the only one here who is looking for trouble."

"Any evidence?" Blaine smirked and Karofsky only snarled something and let Blaine fall to the floor. He fell on his butt, pretty hard and then watched Karofsky go, smiling pleased. Sadly no teacher saw it then, maybe then he had told him that it was indeed him who did that. Whatever, he slowly stood up, hissed quietly because his butt hurt more than he thought and stared at the people who were still watching him. It was like something dragged them out of their stare and they pretended to be busy and, like always, ignored Blaine. Of course they did that. Of course they ignored him because they knew he was behind this, they knew he wouldn't step back if someone wanted to have some trouble with him.

Blaine smiled, took his bag and turned around and walked to his class but then a pair of blue green eyes caught his and he stopped smiling. This was the same boy who threw the tray from that girl to the ground, yelling at her and left the school canteen without a second glance. The same boy and for the first time ever he could see his face and noticed something he never thought about someone else before. This boy was beautiful. Like really beautiful and he didn't even look like someone who could be a bad person. He wore such beautiful clothes, had perfect styled hair and skin, so pure and pale that it looked like he was painted. But this wasn't as impressive as his eyes. They were blue and green and he felt like he was flying somewhere, somewhere in the cosmos. But despite all the beautiful colors of blue and green, all the little stars he saw there, Blaine saw something else. Something he knew far too good. Hurt and anger. He kept walking, passed the boy and before he turned around the corner he looked back and so did the boy and for the first time ever he didn't want to beat the crap out of somebody because he was looking right into Blaine's eyes.

* * *

This day when school was over Blaine drove straight back home and couldn't stop thinking about those beautiful eyes he had seen. They were really like the cosmos, bright blue and green but also so deep and sparkling that he wondered how it was even possible to have those eyes. But more importantly was that the boys was the first one who for sure knew what Blaine was doing and who he was but showed no sign of anger, or fear, or even disgust. Nothing but a calm look and questions, many unanswered questions. He didn't blink, he didn't look away he just kept his steady stare and let Blaine drown into those eyes. It was the first time in a while that Blaine didn't feel any anger or the need to do something stupid to be distracted from his fucked up mind. No, it was enough to just lay on his bed, remember those eyes and he was calm, so calm and literally scared him. What if this boy was just one of any other? He saw him yelling at that girl in the canteen, saw how he slapped the tray out of her hand to the ground without any hesitation. Maybe he was just one of many who waited for the perfect moment to fight with him? Blaine huffed because for some reason he really couldn't imagine that. There was something, something strange and it scared him. Since when did he let a pair of eyes confuse him so much? Since when did he let his walls fall and make himself vulnerable? He stopped doing this since he was sixteen and he had no intentions on going back to who he wants was. It wouldn't change anything his road to jail was almost finished and he only needed to do one or two bad more things.

He heard a knocking against his door and raised both of his eyebrows, staring at the white wood and, okay? This was new.

"It's me, Blaine," his mother said and Blaine stood up, unlocking the door and letting her in while he climbed back on his bed. He looked so much like her but he had the eyes of his father.

"Can we talk?"

"Don't you think it's too late for this talk, mom? I know what you want from me." They always tried to talk to him but instead of talking with a calm voice they were yelling at him and at some point they began to ignore each other and just live together. Each problem that happened got fixed in silence by moving to another city or paying the stuff Blaine stole. They did anything to hide who Blaine was and what he did.

"Blaine, we are just worried about you. About all the things you do and that you think you are gay maybe-"

"I don't think that I'm gay, mom. I am gay. I love sucking cocks, okay?" Oh no, he didn't care how he talked to her or what he said to her. They didn't do it either.

She winced by his words and exhaled to calm herself down: "But you never had a boyfriend. So how do you know it?"

"I know it, okay? Like you know it that you like men."

"If you are so sure about it then maybe we should talk about it?"

Blaine scoffed and rolled his eyes: "By talking you mean yelling at each other?"

This was pointless, so pointless. His heart and mind was already broken by his parents and he had no interested in fixing things. Not at all.

"I want you to graduate, Blaine. I want you to have a better life than this."

But Blaine wasn't in the mood to listen to her. Honestly it was more than weird that she came up with this idea after what happened between them. How they were fighting with him, with each other and slowly the three of them just grew apart and never found a way back to each other. He was fine with that, so fine he could even live without them.

"Think about it, okay? No matter what I love you and you are my son."

And she left his room and Blaine froze. This wasn't his mother. No way in hell this was his mother. The last time she said that he was her son and that she loved him was years ago. Something was not right, he felt it deep down in his bones that something wasn't right.

* * *

Saturday night and Blaine was, like always, driving around and with no real goal. Sometimes he stopped at a bar, drank a beer and was driving somewhere else. He only did this so that when he would be back home his parents would already sleep and leave him alone. Sometimes he went to the theater, watched a movie and sometimes he just stopped somewhere, in the middle of nowhere and listened to the music on his iPod. He had no interested in parties or dancing and gave some people wrong ideas about what he wanted. He didn't want to have someone physically near but only when he was punching someone. He had no interested in being hugged, caressed or anything close to those gentle stuff. It confused him, like a lot but Blaine had to admit that since he saw those eyes of this pretty boy he sometimes really ended up thinking, what it would feel like. People said it would feel good, people said it was the best thing ever but when he thought about it and tried to imagine it he felt vulnerable and scared. His heart was so twisted, so cold and broken like his soul and he knew, if someone ever wanted to be with him like that or touch him in such a way he would hurt this person because he was so scared and confused. Yet it was so hard to forget those eyes, so hard to forget this beautiful face. It's been a week now since he saw this boy for the first time and to his own surprise he had not one single fight with anybody. No punches, no threats, nothing. That was not okay. Probably because he was so freaking calm the past week he ended up with thoughts like, how would it feel to be hugged or kissed or shit like that. What he needed now was a good fight with someone. Back in his car he drove to the place where one of the football players had a house party. Oh yes he knew that, it was almost impossible to ignore the football players at McKinley. It was almost 1 am and they were probably all drunk and for Blaine it would be just easy to go against them. They would stumble and fall, they would try to hit him but be to slow for him who was sober. He stopped his car, climbed out and walked on the small sidewalk seeing Karofsky and three other guys standing on the porch and laughing about something while inside the music was playing and he saw some people dancing through the window.

"Hey! Karofsky!" he shouted and immediately got their attention and saw how their smiles faded away. Oh, yes, he was probably still mad at Blaine for burning his jacket.

"Go home fairy!" he shouted back and Blaine smirked at him.

"You know, I burned the hole in your jacket. And I think I'll do it again."

And like planned the three of them left the porch, walked to him and Blaine pulled his hands out of his pocket.

"I don't know if you are just sick of living or crazy. Go home, Anderson," the other white boy said and Blaine sighed.

"Why? Because you are scared of me?"

"No one is scared of you, hobbit!" Karofsky said.

"Are you sure?" Blaine almost laughed and then shoved Karofsky away but didn't get what he hoped would happen.

"Don't make me, Anderson."

"What, exactly? Are you scared of a small guy like me? Now you have the evidence that I'm responsible for what happened to your jacket."

Blaine shoved him away, again and said playfully as they still stood still: "Come on, guys. You've been waiting for this." And they did so.

* * *

It hurt so bad. So bad Blaine had no idea how much it could hurt. They really beat the crap out of him and he barley made it into his car and drove down the street until he couldn't focus anymore. With some luck he stopped his car in the middle of the street. There were only family houses around him, silence and not one single soul walking around. No one. He was completely alone.

"Fuck," he groaned his voice coarse and mouth dry. Everything hurt, especially his belly, his lip and eye. Everything was pounding in pain and he turned the rearview mirror to take a look at himself and hissed. He looked pretty bad, really bad. His left eye was swollen and he couldn't really see much through it. His lip was cut open and bleeding and there was also blood running from his nose. This pain made him feel numb and exactly that is what he wanted. He wanted to stop thinking about all these stupid things, about the blue/green eyes and remind himself what his life was about. And he saw it when he looked at his reflection. This was him, this was his life and it would never change.

"Shit," he blurted as he felt how his stomach gave a uncomfortable twist, his throat thick and he opened the car door, held himself up by it and puked on the street. Oh this was even worse. Not to mention how much each part of his body hurt he also had to do this. Fucking great. He coughed, puked again and when he knew he was done he slumped down, laying on the cold, wet street and the middle of the night beside him what he just puked out. He felt like shit. Not only because of the pain and bruises but because of everything. His life, his parents, his future. Maybe he would just die here in the middle of the night, in the middle of wherever the fuck he was and it would be finally over his joke of a life. Maybe his body wasn't able to take more punches, more bruises and would just give in already. But Blaine knew, he never had luck. Never.

When he was sure he wouldn't puke again and his stomach became calm he turned around on his front, wincing because it hurt to move and then he heart a voice. A beautiful voice.

"Come on," he felt hands under his arms, someone helped him up and when he was standing and his head stopped rolling from side to side he was looking at those pretty eyes again.

"You look like-"

"Shit," Blaine breathed and the boy made a disgusted face and wrinkled his nose.

"Your breath maybe, yes"

When Blaine was sure he could stand without falling down again he took his hands away from the boy, away from those slender shoulders, away from this beautiful body and leaned against his car.

Blaine mumbled something and tried to calm back into his car but the boy closed the door and looked Blaine right into his eyes.

"You aren't driving. Come on, I'll take care of you and then you can wash the mess away you left right in front of my house."

His house? Blaine turned around and saw that he parked right before a house which was... his? Oh, whatever, he was really too tired to argue or do anything else and something just made him pretty calm and tired and he nodded slowly, feeling the arm from the other boy back around his body.

"Uh... thanks, um..."

"Kurt. Kurt Hummel."

Blaine didn't notice when or how but somehow he ended up laying on Kurt's bed and staring at the white ceiling. His head was still spinning, his body hurting and the blood he smelled made him sick. He looked around the room, saw an open door and heard water running. This was probably a bathroom and he really needed a bathroom now to wash his face. Slowly, wincing and hissing he held himself up, moving his legs to the edge of the bed but then he saw Kurt coming back with a damp towel and a first aid box in his other hand.

"No, lay down," he said with a serious voice that made Blaine immobile. Wow, okay, there was something in his voice that sounded so determined and almost a bit aggressive. But maybe it was just his tired mind telling him this.

"You should drive me to a hospital, seriously."

"Yeah, of course and stay with you in those awful rooms. No way."

Okay, this guy maybe was beautiful and maybe his voice was pure music but he had something that didn't fit with the image Blaine had about him. However, he followed Kurt's instruction laying back down on his back and watched Kurt sitting down, next to him, the damp towel on his shoulder and opening the first aid kit to place it on his nightstand. Then, without words he turned to Blaine and began to unbutton his shirt.

"Wait!" he hissed and grabbed Kurt's hands, holding them to strong: "What the hell are you doing?"

His eyebrows moved dangerously together and Kurt took Blaine's hands knowing he was too weak to fight against him: "Taking care of you."

"As if you know how to do that. Are you Dr. House?"

"No, but it's not the first time I do this."

Frankly, Blaine was just scared to let Kurt touch him. He actually wanted to not think about this stuff and now he was laying here and would get the real thing? No way.

"I can do this alone," Blaine hissed and slowly moved so he was sitting and took the damp hot towel away from Kurt's shoulder and begin to clean his face although he couldn't see a thing.

"You are doing it wrong, just saying."

"Shut up, okay? I know what I do."

But it hurt. Each movement hurt so bad he winced no matter what he did and eventually Kurt got tired and shoved him back down on his back and Blaine almost cried out.

"Stop being an idiot and let me help you."

Everything inside of him screamed to stop Kurt, to shove him away and then leave this place but Blaine was too weak, too tired and he knew, he fucking knew he wouldn't get very far in his state.

"Fine."

He let Kurt do everything. He let him open his shirt, clean his open wounds, let him touch his skin and heard him hissing when all the hidden bruises were on display. He never let anyone see them and he never talked about those. If something like that happened he went to a doctor or took care of it by himself and after a while he became pretty good at it. There was no need to let people know what he was doing and no need to maybe worry someone. Like if someone would care, no. His parents saw it so many times how he came back home, a blue eye or bleeding hand and they only rolled their eyes and told him to take care of it. He never wanted people too see those things, never wanted people to know it because what would they think? That he was some twisted guy, with a cold heart, looking for trouble and not carrying what he was actually doing. No one would take pity of him or show him sympathy because he was gay, he was mean and they all said he would end up in jail anyway. Yeah, what a fucking great world he was living in.

But this here, this was completely different and he really tried everything not to like it. He tried to ignore those gentle fingers, to ignore the way they ran over his chest, over his cheek and arms, how Kurt slowly cleaned him and began to rub some ointment on Blaine's bruises and wounds. This was like being touched by someone, something that tried to take all the pain away. Or maybe it just felt like that because it was the first time someone that from outside, someone who could ignore him and walk took care of him. Just... so simple without wanting something. Someone actually noticed him and helped him and it terrified Blaine so much that he kept a close look at what Kurt was doing. This couldn't be real.

"Almost done, okay? Calm down," Kurt said with a warning look and Blaine tried to calm down, he really tried but whenever Kurt touched him it felt so unfamiliar, almost wrong.

After a while he was done and Blaine put his shirt back on, making sure that nothing of his skin was seen. This was horrible, this was the most vulnerable moment so far for him and he didn't like it. Kurt could use this and tell the school how easy it is to beat the crap out of him because he was nothing but a gay guy, not able to defend himself. He could say so much that Blaine thought he would pass out by his racing thoughts and fast breath.

"Hey, Blaine. Calm down!" Kurt came back, quickly and placed his hands on Blaine's shoulders.

"No!" he whined, shuffled away from Kurt and slung his arms around his body: "Don't touch me. No one is allowed to touch me."

"Yeah, well I already touched you if you haven't noticed," Kurt snapped.

"What do you want? Is this some deal with Karofsky?"

Kurt looked at Blaine with so much surprise and almost disgust. Probably towards Karofsky?

"No. I just wanted to help you. Karofsky, please. As if he would let any gay boy live in peace."

Gay? So... he was gay? Blaine blinked, three times and ignored the pounding in his head.

"I want nothing, okay? I only wanted to help you because I know how it feels like when you are on your own. I know why you fight and look for trouble."

Blaine scoffed. Oh, was he some saint and knew everything?

"Yeah, of course. I've never seen you punching someone or do the things I do."

"Look at me and tell me I could do that. I'm not exactly build for something like beating someone."

He had a point, Blaine thought.

"Which doesn't mean that my life is any less fucked up than yours is."

"Well, judging by your room and where you live it seems like a dream to me."

And then Kurt made this angry expression and lowered his voice, whispering: "Don't underestimate me, Blaine Anderson. I could turn into your nightmare."

* * *

Kurt Hummel was the biggest secret ever for Blaine. After he slept for some hours Kurt woke him up pretty early and made him clean the mess off the street and told Blaine to drive home. And he just did that because something in Kurt's voice was so determining that he really couldn't say anything against him. Not to mention that he was still far too tired to start a fight with anyone.

Monday morning when he entered the halls of McKinley nothing really changed. They gave him all these odd looks because his eye was still swollen and his lip still broken. Nothing new to be honest because his first day at McKinley began exactly the same way. Yet Blaine was too tired to look at anyone or talk to anyone and he even avoided Karofsky and his gang. No, his focus was on something else. Kurt Hummel because he was really curious about how he could turn out to be his nightmare. By what? Yelling at him? Blaine was already used to it that people yelled at him for many reasons. And he said himself he would never physically hurt someone. So what was the secret about him and being Blaine's nightmare? He needed to figure this out.


	7. Used

Chapter 7. Used

If you love a person, truly, with all your heart and soul it is a physical pain when this person is not by your side. Or so people say.

But Garret was gone for two weeks now and Kurt couldn't say this about himself. He actually enjoyed the time he could spend alone and work on his designs and work without his fiancés opinion. Not that it wasn't important to Kurt what Garret thought but in the last months of their relationship he said how much Kurt had still to learn. Two years ago maybe he had agreed on that. But not anymore. Whenever he saw the new designs by his boyfriend or any other person he knew what was missing, he knew how to make it even look better and sometimes he told Isabelle his opinion and she suggested it during their meetings. She never mentioned it was Kurt's idea like he wanted and it made her sad. But it was the right thing to do. Or so Kurt told himself.

It was August and it was still hot outside and usually he didn't like the hot weather but it made him happy. Really happy. He walked through a park, enjoying his cold coke and watched the people laying in the grass and enjoying the sun and their summer break. He still had some residual leave left and maybe he should use it for September when the weather wasn't that hot anymore. Maybe for the upcoming festival 'Autumn Dance'. Oh he loved autumn and he really couldn't wait to see the leaves turning into all those warm colors. Red, orange, yellow and the fresh autumn wind was just the best thing ever for him. Not to mention the new fashion for autumn. He already saw all the new scarfs, hats, coats and some of them would have a little thing he suggested to Isabelle. Some of the scarfs would have something only a Kurt Hummel could design. It wasn't much and it wasn't even worth to be mentioned but it made him happy. One day, when Garret thought he was ready and when they both were ready to work at the same league together he would have his own scarfs, coats, jeans, everything and people would talk about his designs, his clothes and love them. One day... He left the park, feeling the sweat on his back and under his arms – which he really didn't like at all – and decided he should maybe go home and enjoy the rest of his free day in his apartment and his best friend the air-conditioner. However, between all those things he could do and make himself happy there was also this one thing that he had to deal with each time he was alone with his mind. Blaine and their conversation. It's been a month the last time they saw each other and Kurt was too busy to find some time to meet Blaine. He wasn't running away from it because he needed this but somehow life was playing against him. Or maybe not.

"Sandra, if you keep tugging on my arm your baby brother will fall down," he heard Blaine saying as the left Starbucks with a girl that looked a lot like Rachel and a baby in his arms laughing at his sister.

"But you said we'll go to the playground at my old Kindergarten!"

"We are going there, okay?"

"You said we do it now but you went to buy one of those adult drinks!"

Kurt chuckled because yes, those two kids were obviously Rachel's and Finn's kids. He saw some pictures of them but he never got the chance to meet them.

"Jeez, you are like your mommy."

"I know! She always gets what she wants when she keeps on talking."

Kurt saw Blaine rolling his eyes while the boy in his arms only laughed and tried to reach out for the cup Blaine held in his other hand. It was strange to be honest. He always knew that Blaine would look good with kids and would know how to treat them but seeing the real thing, although those weren't his kids was heartwarming and sad at the same time. It could have been their kids. This could have been their future. But Kurt was engaged and Blaine taken and they both wouldn't be back together. No, he really wanted to marry Garret and Blaine did anything to make his and Jason's relationship work again. He needed to stop to think about the past and all the 'what if' questions. Hopefully after their conversation he could focus on what was now and what was important and possible.

"Need some help?" Kurt asked him with a wide smile and Sandra held the hem of Blaine's shirt tighter, staring at Kurt with huge brown eyes.

"Hey, Kurt," Blaine smiled and the small guy in his arms wrapped his arms around Blaine's neck: "Kids, no need to worry. This is your uncle Kurt."

"Uncle Kurt?" Sandra looked at Blaine with quizzically eyes.

Kurt watched the little guy holding Blaine closer, making it hard to breath and with a chuckle he took the cup out of Blaine's hand so he could hold the baby with the cute dark blue hat to keep his little head safe from the sunlight.

"Daniel, it's okay," Blaine gasped for air and pulled him back but the little boy kept on being shy.

"I could really use some help," he gave Kurt a pleading look.

* * *

"Look uncle Blaine!" Sandra called as she was sitting on the swing set and swinging hire and faster.

"I see you! You are doing good!" he called back and sighed, holding the baby close which was playing with his hands and laughing happily when Blaine reacted to the small, clumsy pats of those little hands. Kurt really tried not to think how cute Blaine looked like with Daniel in his arms, playing with his little hands like he was used to it. He tried not to imagine all those 'what if's' so he thought it was the best to distract himself.

"I didn't know you were a babysitter."

Blaine gave him a short look just to focus back on the small thing in his arms.

"Sometimes I am and I quiet enjoy it. I mean they are obviously Rachel's and Finn's kids but I enjoy the time with them and just to get away from all the adult stuff."

"Rachel's busy?"

"Yeah," Blaine smiled and laughed at Daniel when he was looking up to Blaine because he made all these interesting moves with his hands: "She has some interviews today and her actual babysitter got sick so she asked me. Finn's with her and like I said, I'm happy to be around the two. I mean it can be exhausting but I think it's a good practice until I have my own kids."

Oh, yes, Kurt remembered how they were talking about that when they began to live in New York. It was nothing they had planned but they were just talking about it that maybe one day, when they both finished college and got jobs and saved some money they wanted to have children. Especially Blaine wanted to have some and Kurt knew exactly why.

"I think it's time for us to have our own kids. I mean we won't get younger."

Kurt wanted to have kids, he really wanted to but he also wanted to stop being just an assistant. First he wanted to be the designer he dreamed about to be for so many years. Then maybe when he turns 30 and finally got there where he wanted to be it would be the perfect time for his own family. Garret was not against kids and he was already 30 years old so maybe he should really talk with him about that. Eventually they would get married.

"You and Garret already planning a family?" Blaine asked him with curious eyes and looked to Sandra as she began to laugh very loud because the jumped off the swing set.

"No. Not yet. There is still time. What about you?"

"Not gonna happen anytime soon. Jason doesn't want children. But we'll figure something out."

But Kurt could tell by the corners of Blaine's mouth which he tried to keep up that this was one of the things he had really a problem with. And of course he had. When they moved to New York and settled down he couldn't stop talking about children. He was so enthusiastic about the future, so sure and ready to make things better and become a dad to be better than his dad. Yes, Blaine had some papa-issues but it was never something Kurt was worried about. He understood that Blaine wanted to have all these things back he couldn't have when he was a teenager.

"I hope you two will. I know how much you want to be a dad."

Blaine gave him a warm smile, almost like he tried to say thank you because Kurt understood and he gave him the same smile back.

"Listen. Next week Jason will be gone for a week and I believe he is working for Garret?"

Kurt nodded. Yes, their boyfriends were working together. Garret designed the clothes and Jason took the photos of the models who were wearing those. They both met each other when Garret was in Italy and they became friends, before he and Kurt were dating and this was kind of unfair. Not that Kurt knew anything about their relationship but that it was okay for Garret to hang out with his old friend – or God knows what else he once was – but Kurt wasn't allowed to meet Blaine? This was unfair.

"And I think we could meet at my place and talk? Saturday? Jason is leaving on Friday."

"Sounds good. Garret is already working in LA and Garret will be back in less than two weeks."

"Perfect. Sandra! Come on we're going home!" Blaine called after her and she began to groan.

"But uncle Blaine!"

"You brother is tired. Come on, sweetie."

"Fine!" she huffed and threw her hands over her head: "But I want to watch the little mermaid with you when Daniel is sleeping." Oh yes, this was obviously Rachel's daughter.

"Deal," Blaine smiled at her and cleaned her face with a tissue he pulled out of the small bag he had with him.

"You got this?" asked Kurt and stood up.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll text you later, okay?"

"Okay."

"Sandra, say bye to uncle Kurt."

"Bye uncle Kurt! You'll watch the little mermaid too, yeah?"

"As soon as I can."

* * *

Blaine mentioned their songs, the songs they used to hear over the time they were together. Songs that sang to them, about them and brought them together but also apart. Kurt kept those songs through the years and sometimes when he felt lost and lonely or just missed something he couldn't really tell what it was he ended up listening to them. Each song had his own special memory, some were sad some were happy and some never happened and were just part of his fantasy. Music was always a big part in their life and music could heal wounds. Kurt knew it, he saw it and he shared together with Blaine a really deep connection to music. Not because they were in Glee club together but also in general. There were so many talented musicians singing about life, about the heart and soul and just touched you in a way only music was able too. After work when Kurt came home he really needed this. It wasn't a bad day, work was just fine but he felt really empty and missed so many things he had in the past but not any more. Being an adult sucked sometimes, really bad. He had all these responsibilities, he had all these things he had to agree on although he didn't want them and so many things that kept him stuck where he was. Like being the assistant although he knew he was talented enough to be more. Like missing his dad who would help his son to go through hard times. Like missing his friend who could hold his hand without hesitation and be there for him. Well his dad was in Ohio, Garret still was still convinced that Kurt wasn't ready to be more than an assistant and Blaine couldn't take his hand anymore. Maybe it was wrong to come back to New York and face all of this. Maybe it would have been better to stay in France but Kurt loved this city so much he couldn't imagine to live anywhere else. It was just that all this here didn't feel like home yet. After he and Blaine broke up he never felt 'home' no matter where he was. Or he just thought so because his past came back, hitting him like a fast train and making it impossible to focus only on Garret and their life. Kurt was worried about things he couldn't even name and he just wanted to be alone for a while, like really alone. Without a fiancé, without his work, just some time all alone and laying in his bed. Sighing he went to the living room and took his phone opening the music player and play list he used to hear with Blaine and without him. Maybe it would help him to organize his thoughts and make it clear for him what he should do and how he felt. He was about to get married and yes, of course it was normal to be unsure and have fears but why now? The moment Garret asked him he was sure about it. So sure or thought he was? Again a sigh and then he was laying on the ouch and listening to the song.

watch?v=-8P6U_80r7Y

_I ran away in floods of shame  
I'll never tell how close I came  
As I crossed the Holland Road  
Well you went left and I went right  
As the moon hung proud and bright  
You would have loved it here tonight _

The day they broke up and Kurt left their apartment was one of the darkest moments in his life. He said something, Blaine answered and then he took his stuff and went out into the night, crying like crazy. He never told anyone about that because he felt shame, he felt alone and he didn't understand how all of this could happen. How could they break up so easily although he was more than sure they would be together forever. And even day, weeks later he still believed they would be back together. In each small moment in his life, when he was walking through a park, when he was cooking something, watching something he always thought: Blaine would have loved that too.

_Spin me 'round just to pin me down on the cover of this strange bed  
Spin me 'round just to pin me down _

It was strange to sleep alone. It was horrible to sleep alone and it hurt his heart so bad he was almost sure it would break and he would die because the hole was too big and hurt so much he couldn't sleep or eat sometimes but just cry. He missed him so much, so bad but Blaine never called him.

_Wrap up your questions, keep them down  
Let the water lead us home  
And I was sorry for what I'd done  
When you were young, I was not old  
But our story was not told  
But torn apart by greedy hands _

It took him a while to get over this, although he never got over their break up, but with his studies and the new place he was living in he found enough distraction to keep his mind busy with other stuff. Eventually he calmed down and found his sanity again and was sorry for what happened, sorry for what he did, how childish he was and thought about calling Blaine, thought about talking with him and maybe start again because this couldn't be it, right? There was more they had to do together, right? It couldn't break so easily. But it broke and Kurt soon stopped thinking about him and told himself, he needed to become more mature, to know what he wanted and where he wanted to be and then maybe, if fate or whatever thought it was the right time to bring the past back and face it, he would greet it like an old friend.

_Spin me 'round just to pin me down on the cover of this strange bed  
Spin me 'round just to pin me down  
Spin me 'round just to pin me down I'll be gone by the night's end  
Spin me 'round just to pin me down _

Somehow he found a life he could live in, a day with studies, with his fellow students, with the things he enjoyed to make it through but at night, when he wanted to sleep it was still strange and cold. Going to sleep was always horrible for Kurt, always. It felt strange to lay in a bed without someone, strange to not hear another person breathing, strange to not wake up to someone. So he only went to sleep when he was really exhausted. Kurt missed it, his home. He really missed this feeling of being home in the last years. Until he met Garret and after years of being alone in bed he slept next to someone, being held by arms. But it never felt like this- this feeling Kurt was used. It never felt like the home he once had.

_I'll be home in a little while  
Lover, I'll be home_

Maybe because he was never really over Blaine and never really ready to let himself fall into someones arms completely again. He loved Garret, but he loved him differently and he was sure, as soon as he was over his past, as soon as he had all his answers, that little something he was missing, he would feel _home_ again.

* * *

Every night he dreamed about something impossible. Every night he dreamed about him and Blaine being a family with a cute, lovely daughter. Kurt would wake up early and make the breakfast and then wake her up and waiting for his husband who was painting until late hours. And when he woke up he would come to the kitchen, still half asleep and kiss him good morning and their daughter would giggle because their daddies were still two idiots deeply in love. Every night he had the same dream and he began to worry about it and ended up wondering if it was the right decision to stay friends with Blaine. It were just dreams, of course but he wasn't supposed to dream stuff like that. He had no idea if he was talking in his sleep but luckily Garret wasn't there anyway so he tried not to worry about that. And maybe after their talk he would stop having those dreams, stop feeling so insecure and stop asking those 'what if' questions. Maybe this closure would make everything clear for him because he really didn't need this drama and insecurity in his life.

He loved Garret, he wanted to marry him and be happy. Garret was too good to him, too nice and cared so much about Kurt that he doubted there was someone else who would ever do that for him. And this issue with Garret not being okay with Kurt wanting to become a real designer? They would figure it out. He only needed a good idea to convince Garret that he was ready and his fiancé would smile at him, be happy with him and say; Kurt you are ready.

Saturday came pretty fast and somehow Kurt felt nervous about what was going to happen. In the past seven years he ignored everything, tried to forget, tried not to go back and he somehow did it. But at some point your past would come back and haunt you and when he met Blaine exactly this happened and he was tired of running away. He was wearing casual clothes, just a thin shirt and jeans and drove to Blaine with his car – Garret sold his moped. He parked his car, climbed out and walked to the entrance pressing the bell and walked inside as the noise came and he could open the door. Walking to the first floor he saw the door was already open but he knocked against it anyway.

"Blaine?! It's me!"

"Come in!" he heard Blaine calling from the kitchen, took his shoes off and went there.

"I just finished lunch. Sit down. Want some coffee?"

"Yes, thanks."

Kurt sat down at the white small table and watched Blaine cleaning his plate and glass. He always did that. Whenever they were done with breakfast, lunch or supper Blaine immediately cleaned the dishes. It was just a habit and while they were living together it was a really good one. But then on the other side he was pretty chaotic when it was about his own work. As soon as Blaine was done he turned around, two mugs of coffee in his hands and sat down facing Kurt with a small smile on his face. Oh, suddenly Kurt felt the nervousness coming back because now he would get all his answers and hopefully his sleep back. Moreover he would be alone with him, alone for maybe hours and just be with the man he once loved so much. Maybe this was still a bad idea but he would never know without trying.

"So... you want to start?" eventually Blaine asked.

"Y-yeah. I had a lot of questions but I can't come up with one right now."

His head was such a mess now that he would probably get the answers he wanted so bad without knowing it. He thought and thought but couldn't come up with one question and then he felt Blaine's warm hand on his and this feeling of his skin, his warmth hit him deep down in his soul. This hand once was the hand he loved to hold, needed to hold and always held when he felt alone, insecure. But this hand also took his own, helped him and made sure he had someone who would show him the way when he couldn't see it. And now this hand would just do the same like they never were apart, like there were no 7 years missing. Almost like nothing changed.

"It's okay. Let's just start with what we remember. How... you saw it and what I saw? Sounds good?"

Kurt nodded and took one last deep breath, exhaled and then began.

"I want to say it's not your fault, Blaine. Not entirely. We both take part in what happened. But the main reason why I left was because I was... unhappy."

He saw Blaine's eyes going wide like he tried to tell him that he never wanted to make Kurt unhappy. Of course he never wanted to do that. Of course not. Kurt knew better than anyone that whatever Blaine was doing he did it to make Kurt happy. But back then he didn't.

"It was nothing you did or say. It was just... I was unhappy with everything. Especially with my studies. I saw you being happy with art and music. You were glowing and you knew what you wanted. And I was stuck and didn't want to ruin your happiness. And then I got angry and was frustrated about everything."

"You... you never said anything. You should have told me about that, Kurt," Blaine said with concern.

"I know. But we were young, everything was so new still. And somewhere I just lost myself."

When he was young he thought he knew everything. Kurt thought he knew what he wanted, what he needed and which way to go. Back than he was wrong and probably too confused about how fast his life changed when he met Blaine for the first time. Their hands held each other strong and safe and then, when Blaine was moving on and he was just stuck because he didn't like what he was doing he began to lose himself more and more. He wanted to keep up with Blaine, be happy about what he had but his young, still rebellious mind showed him something else. Something that hurt them both.

"I... I felt it. You changed. I tried to fix things, I tried to give you your smile back but somehow I couldn't. I thought you... you were going back to who you were when we met and it made me angry because I couldn't help you," Blaine said.

It was never ever something Blaine did. Blaine did everything right. He tried to fix things, he tried to be there but Kurt wouldn't let him.

"I think it was just us being young and stupid. Everything happened so fast, everything was new and then I became unsure about what I wanted to study because theater didn't make me happy."

Blaine still held his hand, still squeezed it and they both looked down into their mugs.

"Sounds like it was really us being stupid and young, huh?"

"I'm sorry," Kurt sighed.

"No, Kurt. Don't be sorry. I understand it, now that I know what was wrong and now that I'm older. Back then for me everything was perfect. I was with you, we were living together I loved my studies and then, it just changed. I tried to figure it out, to help you, to make us happy again but I had no idea how to do that. And I got angry, I was frustrated and I thought you couldn't stand me anymore. I thought you wouldn't love me anymore."

Kurt gave him a small smile: "I was the same, you know? I thought you would see it anyway. I thought you would see it and just come to me and tell me things will be fine. But this was stupid. You can't read my mind."

His idea what love was changed a lot. Years ago he thought love would tell everything, that Blaine would just know and feel it. For Kurt love was a magical thing, a fairy tale making all those impossible things possible. And he loved Blaine, he loved him so much and Blaine gave him just as much love back that he was sure it was enough. But it wasn't. Not communicating was the end for each relationship. He understood it now.

"But I'm sorry for all the things I said to you. Calling you all those bad things."

"I'm sorry too about that. But you are right. Thinking about it I see just how much I was acting the way when we met. Maybe we were moving on too fast?"

Blaine held his hand, giving it another squeeze and smiled knowingly: "No. I don't think we were. I think it was the best we could do and what we needed. But I guess we weren't ready to be together like that. I mean we both were twenty, Kurt. Twenty and just began our new life after a long, long time when we thought we would never have a life. We knew nothing. Nothing about ourselves, nothing about life."

Kurt smiled and squeezed Blaine's hand. Now, thinking about it he saw how right Blaine was and that he was thinking the same. He was young, he had all these dreams and ideas what his life would look like after all the bad stuff stopped. Blaine was with him, they were in love and because their love saved them he thought it would fix everything. Each fight, each problem, everything. He thought that love was all they needed and it would give them both the answers they were looking for. He still believed in that but seven years ago? No, he was too young, Blaine was too young and they both just were super happy but it was also too much to handle at once.

"It's not your fault, Kurt. It's also not my fault. We just... we found each other at the right time, we became friends at the right time and we... we gave each other what we needed to be... okay again, I guess. But it probably wasn't enough. But I'm really, really sorry that I gave up so quickly. I really missed my friend... a lot."

"Me too," Kurt said with a rough voice and felt a stinging in his eyes and Blaine noticed it. No matter how long they haven't seen each other, no matter what happened, he still could read him like an open book.

"Come here," his voice was calm, almost a whisper and he stood up, opening his arms and Kurt stood up too, wrapping his arms around Blaine's neck like he used to and let himself just fall into that embrace without any hesitation. Those warm hands rubbed his back in a way only Blaine could do it. He held Kurt in a way only Blaine could do it and it was such a healing feeling, such a safe place Kurt forgot how much he missed this. This body was so warm, so compact, his neck was the perfect place for Kurt and Blaine always fit so perfectly against his neck. It was like they were to pieces which belonged together.

"You changed me, Kurt. And I... I changed you and we went through this together," Blaine whispered and held Kurt stronger, closer and Kurt did the same: "We were friends, then we fell in love and we shared all the firsts. And I will never forget this and never forget you and I will never stop to be your friend."

He swore he could feel Blaine's lips on his shoulder, or probably he wished it.

"I want that too. I want my friend back. We became better people, Blaine. Because of our friendship, because of our love. Without that we both wouldn't be here."

Blaine chuckled and pulled back and Kurt almost protested because he didn't want to let go yet. But this smile, this warm smile, so lovely so honest and his honey eyes glistening like he collected all the warm lights with one look, he truly missed this view.

"This is all we need. All we need to keep in mind and we won't lose each other again."

Kurt nodded, sobbed and couldn't stop his tears anymore. Knowing why they broke up hurt even more than the fact that they broke up. It was a stupid thing, a young stupid thing and also a habit Kurt never could shake off back then. Keeping things for himself. Blaine always begged him to be honest, to tell him what's on his mind and Kurt soon found the trust he needed, soon told Blaine anything but then he couldn't and it was just because of that. Because he didn't talk with Blaine and expected him to know what was wrong. Because he didn't tell him how unhappy he was with his life choices that leaded to the break up. If he had told him what was going on, if he only talked to Blaine, sat down with him and talked with him they would have figured something out, they always found a way out of something together and made each other happy. Their love made it possible and Kurt never ever loved someone the way he used to love Blaine. He never loved someone so honest, so strong, without complexity, without any second thoughts. Just straightforward because there was no other way he could feel for him. Seven years ago, but now? He wished to get these answers after their talk because, since he met Blaine his mind was a mess. There were too many thoughts about him, too many things that confused him and made him question all those things he just accepted.

"Don't cry, Kurt. If you cry... I'll cry," and he saw how Blaine's eyes were filled with tears and slowly they fell down, down his rosy cheeks and they both began to giggle.

"We can't cry at the same time, Blaine. You have to comfort me when I cry and I have to do the same for you."

Blaine sniffed, wiped his eyes dry and nodded but couldn't stop crying and both hugged each other again. Just holding each other, crying silently and were happy to have their friend back. But sad about the reason why they broke up. A reason that had nothing to do with they way they felt for each other or how much they wanted the other. It was a stupid, stubborn, young move they both made and everything that was left was regret.

* * *

Kurt was thinking about all of this for days and he was glad that he could do that while Garret wasn't around. He really didn't need his fiancé around him who could read his face and ask what was going on. Kurt didn't want to tell him what was on his mind. He couldn't tell him what was on his mind. All the regret, all the memories from the past, all the things he tried to hide deep down, tried to forget because if Garret knew just one bit of his thoughts he wouldn't be okay with his friendship to Blaine. He would understand wrong, he would tell Kurt to stay away if it made him unhappy or unsure because Garret didn't want to see him like this. He wanted him happy and obviously thinking about why he and Blaine weren't together anymore didn't make him happy. Probably he only needed a bit more time to accept all of this, to understand his feelings and see that it was just something he missed because he lost it too soon. He loved Garret, marrying him meant he would have a good life and find happiness, maybe he would never feel the way for Garret like he felt for Blaine but that was okay. Garret was not Blaine, they didn't go through the same stuff he went through with Blaine. They were different and because this love was different didn't mean it wasn't as good as his last love. It was just different. It was the first day of September, Monday evening and Kurt went to sleep pretty early. He dreamed about those times when he was young and began to fall in love with Blaine, began to let him heal his wounds, his heart and how lovely their first kiss was. It was just that this kiss felt so real he almost stopped breathing and when he opened his eyes he found himself in his adult bedroom and Garret being above him, kissing Kurt too strong.

"Garret, what-" he mumbled but Garret grabbed his waist and turned Kurt on his stomach, pressing his body down on Kurt's back and he could feel the hard cock of his fiancé against his ass.

"Missed you," he slurred and Kurt couldn't tell if he was drunk or if he was sleepy. Confused he looked over his shoulder, watching the naked body of his partner how he moved his hips down and began to rut against Kurt.

"Garret... something wrong?" Kurt asked and then he felt how he pulled his pajama pants down, opened the bottle of lube and coated his hard cock with it.

"Missed you, Kurt. Missed doing this," he breathed and then Kurt felt Garret's erection slip between his cheeks and just sliding back and forward. He couldn't help himself but moan quietly while his fiancè's breath turned faster and faster, almost like he was afraid to not get enough air and his hips moved faster and then he felt the hot cum right above his ass. And then... then he just rolled off Kurt and fell asleep. Kurt blinked, trying to understand what just happened and turned around, watching his sleeping naked partner and... he didn't understand anything.

"Garret?" he tried to shake him awake but he only got a annoyed noise as reply: "What the hell?" This never happened before and Garret never was knocked out like this. Never. And he didn't like this feeling. Feeling like he was just... used? No, there was an explanation. For sure there was one. He wasn't drunk, he didn't smell like a bar so maybe... maybe he knew something?


End file.
